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In This Issue

• Jesus Spams
• Lifelong Lepers Supported
• A Porn Star Is Born
• Letters to the Editor
• My God Is Pissed
• An Interview with Daniel Radcliffe
• You Know, I Just Don’t Care About Floor Spirit
• Start Your Own Religion, in Four Easy Steps
• Flogging the Bishop
• Ask Professor Pete
• News Briefs
• Horoscopes: Like listening to a very senile Ben Franklin
• Drive-By Circumcision
• Columbia Student Is Next Plato, Columbia Student Claims
• Sin Big, Sin Real Big
• Top Ten Things That Make the Baby Jesus Cry
• CU’s Admissions vs. St. Peter’s
• Now Playing in Selected Cities
• God By Way of Drugs
• Jesus Saves A Buck
• Available at all Gentleman’s Daugerrotype Parlors
• CC Student Sees Shit While Shrooming
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.5

Katie O'Shea

"Don't think I can’t see you just because you have the shades down."

You know, I'm getting tired of hearing you people whine. All of you. You and your "Oh, how could God let such evil exist? Why didn't God save me or my loved one from death/paralysis/extremely hilarious disfigurement?" Every time something mildly interesting happens to your facial features or you lose use of one limb, you start examining your souls. You wonder whether or not you've been to church enough or something. And eventually you conclude that no, God is not so petty as to horribly punish you merely for refusing to give that priest a handjob.

Well, you're wrong. All of you namby-pamby "Christians" (or goyim, as the Chosen People say) with your "Merciful God" are full of shit. Your god is this bleeding-heart damn dirty hippie who suffers when you suffer and cries and goes on the cross and dies for your sins, like some sort of communist or something. Well, let me tell ya something; my god doesn't stand for that kind of crap. MY god is the Wrathful, Vengeful God of the Hebrews. When I was a lad, and I did something wrong, it was very clear-- God was going to have His way with me, somehow or another.

You wonder why the Jews have always had this incredible history of oppression and suffering, despite being God's Favorites? It's because our god doesn't fuck around, man. He doesn't forgive us, he makes us suffer. It builds character. I mean, yeah, sure, for most of history we were a meek and mild-mannered bunch of nerds, but now Jews kick ass left and right, because our God doesn't go easy on us. Recall the whole slavery in Egypt thing, the Babylonians, the Romans, right on down the line. It's a boot camp, man. But the Big Man pays off: today, people just like my Uncle Baron are running the entertainment industry.

Sure, fiery balls of sulphur don't rain down on Sodom and Gomorrah these days, but don't let that fool you into thinking that God isn't watching your every move, waiting for you to fuck up. You Christians seem to have forgotten the really fun bits of the Bible, the bits where God lays traps for humans and then punishes them when they do the wrong thing, like in that garden with the tree and all. You don't get the message. God doesn't love you. God wants you to dance to his little whistle; you are God's trained monkey.

If you just learn to accept this, you'll find life a lot easier. You can just assume that every time something bad happens to you, God is to blame. You don't have to waste so much time with ethics and morals and that nonsense; you just listen to what God tells you. ‘Sacrifice my only son?' No problem, God. ‘ Destroy the Amalekites down to every last woman and child?' Righto, Big G. See how easy it is when you just remember that God will destroy you if you don't do everything he says?

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, my god can beat up your god. Jesus, Ganesh, Zeus, Ishtar, Ashe-Ra, Baal, whatever. They'll all go down after three rounds in the ring with YHWH, muthafucka.