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In This Issue

• Happy VD
• I Want to Be A Matzoh, Matzoh Man
• Letters to the Feditor
• Lee Bollinger Asks: Are You Hot or Not?
• I Hate New York. Now More than Ever.
• Ab Electrocution Devices Found to be Shockingly Unsafe
• Waking up Gay On Sesame Street
• Lunchables for a Dysfunctional World
• Bad Places to Wake Up
• Removing Used Sex Partners is Simple & Fun!
• Columbia University, a.k.a. Outkast's Bitch
• Report from the Frontline-Dancing
• Anarchists betray the goals of liberal politics
• In defense of not defending - but instead attacking - TA Unionization
• A Crash Course In Punk
• R.I.P. What Bar
• Damn You, Nickelodeon
• Newsbriefs del Pueblo
• Pulpit Fiction
• Horoscopes? Why, yes. Horoscopes.
• Angry Cell Phone Guy Turns Me On (Real Hard)
• Fruitloop and Dandy
• Another View of The Fed
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.6

"Clear!" Clearly defined abs, that is. Yes, ever since an enterprising EMT noticed that high voltage electric shocks could save people from flabby, weak abdominal muscles as well as heart attacks, electrical muscle stimulation devices seem to be all the rage among the as-seen-on-TV crowd.

But the wary consumer will certainly have serious doubts about the safety and effectiveness of these devices. Some might say, "What about the horror stories of heart attacks, impotence, anal leakage, vomiting, and hair loss? And didn't one of those machines kill Bruce Lee?" Well, would-be six-pack owners can rest assured these are all merely urban legends. The truth is far more disturbing.

Take the sad tale of Jane Dannon (CC ‘05). After a late night of drunken abdominal stimulation, she woke up with a hangover and also the seed of her electronic partner. Apparently the electromagnetic radiation produced by the device penetrated her womb and brought about the conception of a half human, half pseudo-exercise-gimmick.

"I had no idea this sort of thing was even possible," claims Dannon, "Sure, I always wanted to be married to a TV star, but not like this. I just don't know how I'm going to tell my mother and father that they're going to be grandparents of something they could have bought off of the television for $39.95."

Susan Prenault, a spokesperson for the machine's producer, denied the company's responsibility. "Look, it's very easy to blame the manufacturer for something like this, but the fact is that we cannot be blamed for what is obviously a misuse of our product, It's unfortunate that it happened, but if Miss Dannon really wanted to be safe she should have used the electrolytic/contraceptive gel that was supplied with the product. Or better still, she could have practiced abstinence."

Also shocking are the results of intentional misuse of these mysterious muscle manipulators. One lonely and insecure SEAS junior, Justin Peen, applied his newly acquired Masturbatron to his genitals for undisclosed reasons. The machine, once turned on, seemed to acquire a mind of its own, and before long young Jacob was humping his toaster. Fortunately, the device short-circuited prematurely, and Jacob was able to escape with treatable second-degree burns.

Not all companies have met with a poor reception. AbDemonal Inc., maker of FaustAbs, is the only manufacturer of electronic muscle stimulation devices that has yet to encounter such an incident. Regarding the superiority of their product, AbDemonal CEO Lucille Fer explained, "if there's one thing you can say about us here at AbDemonal, it's that we have only the best intentions. Unlike some companies, AbDemonal is about more than just money. We think that offering a quality product that lightens people's souls at a price that everyone can afford is more important than material profits."

One user described the FaustAbs experience as "great, and the tortured choir that sang in Latin every time I strapped the thing on was an unexpected bonus." Further tests by Poltergeist star Zelda Rubenstein resulted in firmer, tighter abdominal muscles that only occasionally morph into the tormented visages of damned souls.