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In This Issue

• Happy VD
• I Want to Be A Matzoh, Matzoh Man
• Letters to the Feditor
• Lee Bollinger Asks: Are You Hot or Not?
• I Hate New York. Now More than Ever.
• Ab Electrocution Devices Found to be Shockingly Unsafe
• Waking up Gay On Sesame Street
• Lunchables for a Dysfunctional World
• Bad Places to Wake Up
• Removing Used Sex Partners is Simple & Fun!
• Columbia University, a.k.a. Outkast's Bitch
• Report from the Frontline-Dancing
• Anarchists betray the goals of liberal politics
• In defense of not defending - but instead attacking - TA Unionization
• A Crash Course In Punk
• R.I.P. What Bar
• Damn You, Nickelodeon
• Newsbriefs del Pueblo
• Pulpit Fiction
• Horoscopes? Why, yes. Horoscopes.
• Angry Cell Phone Guy Turns Me On (Real Hard)
• Fruitloop and Dandy
• Another View of The Fed
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.6

Stephen Grant

How could anyone hate Valentine's Day? It's a day of love and caring and presents and fancy dinners; a day of pink lingerie, red cherry-flavored condoms, heart-shaped dildos and excessive fucking. How can anyone speak negatively about a day that glorifies something as important as the need to get laid?

Let's start with the obvious reason that makes Valentine's Day suck (but not in the way you want it to): you don't have a special someone. Being single on February 14th gives you a certain insight into the mind of a serial killer. Seeing all the kissing, hugging, and holding hands, while tripping over the people trying to have sex on the steps of Low Library, is enough to make anyone want to have some fun with an Uzi sub-machine gun. Now take a deep breath and think about the 10,000 people currently on campus. Imagine that at least half of them have "partners." Now realize that it's Valentine's Day, and roughly 5,000 people on campus will be having or have had sex. 5000 people. Many, many times. In one day. Hot, steamy fucking.

But maybe you're not quite ready to commit hara-kiri. Perhaps you should turn to the advice of dating advisor Brenda Ross located at http://dating.about.com. She suggests you get a bunch of Hallmark greeting cards and write messages to yourself in the manner that you would want a lover to. Put the cards in the mail so you get them on February 14th. "When you open the cards, do not discount what you've written to yourself. It may not be from a current lover; however, it is from someone who loves you - YOU." Frankly, in my opinion, getting a love letter from myself is probably the most depressing thing I can imagine. But, if you really are in a long-term relationship with yourself, perhaps you should enclose a few sexy Polaroids with the card. Umm...actually, no. Don't do that. Just kill yourself. It's far less pathetic.

One might argue that February 14th is the best day of the year for couples. Wrong! Maybe for most of the year, you and your partner have sex like Bill Clinton in some joke involving Cuban cigars, but on Valentine's Day, it's different. You have to pay for sex. And keep in mind that for once in your relationship, your girlfriend has expectations. Sure, she let her standards slide when she started dating you, but now, to continue receiving her love, you have to find the perfect gift.

Famous philosophers have spent their lives debating the ultimate question, "Chocolates or Flowers?" Unfortunately, there's no way to foresee your lover's reaction. If you give her chocolates, there's the weight factor to take into consideration ("Chocolates? I can't eat these!"). Roses are a fairly safe bet, but you never know ("Roses? I can't eat these!").

As you can see, Valentine's Day is evil. The only people it pleases are Hallmark employees and chicks who dig crap like O-Town and A Walk To Remember in a non-ironic way. A note to the latter: he's only going along with it to get laid. And finally, to all those girls who were lonely and depressed this Valentine's Day: my number is in the phone book.