Looking for new writers and graphic designers!
Come to our meetings every Sunday night at 8:30pm 5th floor of Lerner (near the student
government office).
All are welcome.
Buy a T-Shirt
Do you love animals? Or sodomy? Then buy a Fed T-shirt!
About Us
We have a long and storied history. Learn more about us...
In This Issue
- Happy VD
- I Want to Be A Matzoh, Matzoh Man
- Letters to the Feditor
- Lee Bollinger Asks: Are You Hot or Not?
- I Hate New York. Now More than Ever.
- Ab Electrocution Devices Found to be Shockingly Unsafe
- Waking up Gay On Sesame Street
- Lunchables for a Dysfunctional World
- Bad Places to Wake Up
- Removing Used Sex Partners is Simple & Fun!
- Columbia University, a.k.a. Outkast's Bitch
- Report from the Frontline-Dancing
- Anarchists betray the goals of liberal politics
- In defense of not defending - but instead attacking - TA Unionization
- A Crash Course In Punk
- R.I.P. What Bar
- Damn You, Nickelodeon
- Newsbriefs del Pueblo
- Pulpit Fiction
- Horoscopes? Why, yes. Horoscopes.
- Angry Cell Phone Guy Turns Me On (Real Hard)
- Fruitloop and Dandy
- Another View of The Fed
- THEY Watch
- The Staff of 17.6
I Hate New York. Now More than Ever.
Dave Danese
Let's say you're someone who eats Ho-Hos. Maybe you enjoy the occasional Ho-Ho as a snack, or maybe you fucking hate Ho-Hos but you eat them anyway because you're a raging masochist. It doesn't matter. You eat Ho-Hos.
So one day you're sitting on your ass, watching "American Gladiators" reruns on the USA Network (because Nitro has it "going on" in a sort of Asiatic Backstreet Boy-In-Glittery-Spandex kind of way), and you reach for a Ho-Ho. You tear open the plastic wrapping and take your first bite, and the cream filling hits your tongue, and you realize that something is horribly wrong. You begin to taste seething hatred, violent religious fanaticism, and the potential for massive casualties. Stunned, you re-examine your discarded Ho-Ho wrapper, and it's staring at you in bold print: "NEW RECIPE: NOW WITH JIHAD!!!"
And in this situation, you might contort your face into a masque of anguish, and you might start thinking hard about switching over to Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls as a jihad-free alternative. And this scene might play itself out over and over, from shore to shore on this magnificent Ho-Ho eating continent. And not once, under any imaginable set of conditions, would anyone, think "Holy shit! I (heart) Ho-Hos more than ever!"
So why is it different in the case of New York City? Why am I supposed to ♥ this place more than ever now that it's become one of the front lines for the Holy War of the New Millennium?
Pre-September 11th New York was essentially jihad-free. Post-September 11th New York is bursting with jihad-y goodness. Sure, there haven't been any terrorist attacks here since September 11th, but the next time a bunch of mental superstars decide to kill another few thousand Americans because they pay taxes to the Great Satan, New York will be number one with a gold star on the list of targets (Random fun fact: 9/11 hijacking ringleader Mohammed Atta got the highest grade possible on his Master's thesis in Urban Planning at his university in Germany. This was followed by his doctoral dissertation of flying an airplane into a skyscraper full of people because he urbanely planned for Allah to grant him seventy-two afterlife honeys).
And I'm supposed to ♥ this place more than ever? Fuck that. I ♥ living to see my next birthday more than ever.