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In This Issue

• Happy VD
• I Want to Be A Matzoh, Matzoh Man
• Letters to the Feditor
• Lee Bollinger Asks: Are You Hot or Not?
• I Hate New York. Now More than Ever.
• Ab Electrocution Devices Found to be Shockingly Unsafe
• Waking up Gay On Sesame Street
• Lunchables for a Dysfunctional World
• Bad Places to Wake Up
• Removing Used Sex Partners is Simple & Fun!
• Columbia University, a.k.a. Outkast's Bitch
• Report from the Frontline-Dancing
• Anarchists betray the goals of liberal politics
• In defense of not defending - but instead attacking - TA Unionization
• A Crash Course In Punk
• R.I.P. What Bar
• Damn You, Nickelodeon
• Newsbriefs del Pueblo
• Pulpit Fiction
• Horoscopes? Why, yes. Horoscopes.
• Angry Cell Phone Guy Turns Me On (Real Hard)
• Fruitloop and Dandy
• Another View of The Fed
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.6

Stephen Grant

Aries
Aries, you are smart.  You have presence.  But you're fucking ugly.  It's a shame, really.  Maybe you could be a telemarketer.

Taurus
You've been looking to broaden your horizons and dip into something new lately.  I've got two words for you, Taurus: Butt sex.

Gemini
Some lucky women look young for their age.  I'm not saying you look old.  I'm just saying I got a doberman at home that's better looking than you.

Cancer
I don't know what it is about you, Cancer, but you turn me on.

Leo
The House of God is a place of worship, not a place to run around in the nude with your friends.  It's cool.  Just don't do it again.

Virgo
I think all you need is some TLC, Virgo.  And by TLC, I mean deoderant.

Libra
I don't care how many G's you pulled in because of it.  It is just not right to bet on the Special Olympics.

Scorpio
My advice for you this month is to plead guilty and throw yourself on the mercy of the court.  

Sagittarius
Your lesson from this Valentine's Day is that your attractiveness to others is inextricably linked to your open-mindedness.  Maybe you should swallow next time.

Capricorn
The stars aren't speaking to you today, Capricorn.

Aquarius
Teddy Roosevelt once said that you should speak softly and carry a big stick.  Since this doesn't really apply to you, maybe you should try hollering a little more.

Pisces
You're not going to accomplish anything by downloading porn all day.