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In This Issue

• Happy VD
• I Want to Be A Matzoh, Matzoh Man
• Letters to the Feditor
• Lee Bollinger Asks: Are You Hot or Not?
• I Hate New York. Now More than Ever.
• Ab Electrocution Devices Found to be Shockingly Unsafe
• Waking up Gay On Sesame Street
• Lunchables for a Dysfunctional World
• Bad Places to Wake Up
• Removing Used Sex Partners is Simple & Fun!
• Columbia University, a.k.a. Outkast's Bitch
• Report from the Frontline-Dancing
• Anarchists betray the goals of liberal politics
• In defense of not defending - but instead attacking - TA Unionization
• A Crash Course In Punk
• R.I.P. What Bar
• Damn You, Nickelodeon
• Newsbriefs del Pueblo
• Pulpit Fiction
• Horoscopes? Why, yes. Horoscopes.
• Angry Cell Phone Guy Turns Me On (Real Hard)
• Fruitloop and Dandy
• Another View of The Fed
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.6

We actually got these from hotornot.com. The masses have spoken. Rupp, I’m sorry, you are not hot. George, you may want to submit another photo.

On a recent visit to Columbia, President-To-Be Lee Bollinger was asked what aspect of the school he felt most needed improvement. He answered without hesitation. "The Student Body." Clarifying himself, he stated: "Or should I say, student bodies. I mean, I thought there were some serious dogs back at Michigan, but Jesus Fucking H. Christ, you've got some dangerous body karate here in Morningside. I look around and the best rack I see is on Alma fucking Mater. When I think of New York, I think of beautiful people. I think of that tight-bodied young man on all those giant GAP ads. The students here clearly think of acne, empty calories, and infrequent hygiene. So I aim to correct this problem at the source: the Office of Admissions." Bollinger then proceeded to lay out a three point plan to improve the admissions process at Columbia.

1) SAT scores and high school GPA will be replaced by amihotornot.com ratings as the primary admissions criterion. Admissions officers expect the mid 50% of accepted students will rate between 7.3 and 9.4, though there will be no official minimum.

2) Columbia's policy of courting celebrities will continue, albeit in modified form. He went on to express desire to see the young ladies of Barely Legal Magazine recruited, and wondered out loud if we could have more boy bands and fewer a cappella groups.

3) Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, SEAS and Barnard will be totally removed from the University system. Replacing them will be the Bollinger College of Exotic Dance and Massage. The school, which is planned to be larger than even Columbia College, will have class space in the former Barnard and Engineering buildings, as well as the President's office. He assures concerned groups that this new institution will actively seek potential students from every background, race, and creed. "Especially Asians and Swedes," added Bollinger.

"These steps may seem radical, but I think they can be integrated with my overall vision of a new Columbia. For instance, in response to frequent problems last semester, I'm taking campus postal services in a whole new direction. Lerner will soon house the most reliable Male Service in the nation. Even the biggest of packages should arrive on time, every time."

He also speculated positively on the financial consequences of Columbia's new face. "Like B Daddy always says, a well-endowed university requires a well-endowed student body. I'm doing away with the long-standing policy of keeping the fundraising and academic activities of the school separate. In the near future, undergrads will not only be invited to high-profile fundraising dinners, their attendance will be mandatory. Nothing gets that old money flowing like some bumpin' and grindin' with the leaders of tomorrow."

After a thoughtful pause he then added, "Bling bling." While Bollinger has praise for the current state of our athletics, he hopes to improve this aspect of campus life as well.

"Don't get me wrong, the few attractive students we do have owe their presence to the athletics program, but even there, more can be done." In keeping with the school's Hellenistic tradition, all competitions will be held in the nude, and the campus will be decorated with full-size sculptures of our bare-bodied champions. In a similar spirit, he hopes to augment the school's lackluster list of Division I sports with both Greco-Roman and Jello Wrestling.

Bollinger says he is concerned that even if the appearance of Columbia's students improves tenfold, they will still lack "essential skills" that the current curriculum does not provide.

Bollinger plans to push for an addition to the core curriculum, featuring an in-depth and hands-on study of human sexuality and eroticism. The class is tentatively called Masters of Western Stimulation and Pleasure, or more informally: Clit-Hum.

He justifies the changes as just being part of the transition of leadership.

"With a striking, athletic man like me in the office, someone who's salt-and-pepper good looks and paternal charm just ooze raw masculine sexuality, you guys just aren't going to cut it. With Rupp, you people might have been passable, but Big Bolls is here now, and the bar has been raised."