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In This Issue

• Happy VD
• I Want to Be A Matzoh, Matzoh Man
• Letters to the Feditor
• Lee Bollinger Asks: Are You Hot or Not?
• I Hate New York. Now More than Ever.
• Ab Electrocution Devices Found to be Shockingly Unsafe
• Waking up Gay On Sesame Street
• Lunchables for a Dysfunctional World
• Bad Places to Wake Up
• Removing Used Sex Partners is Simple & Fun!
• Columbia University, a.k.a. Outkast's Bitch
• Report from the Frontline-Dancing
• Anarchists betray the goals of liberal politics
• In defense of not defending - but instead attacking - TA Unionization
• A Crash Course In Punk
• R.I.P. What Bar
• Damn You, Nickelodeon
• Newsbriefs del Pueblo
• Pulpit Fiction
• Horoscopes? Why, yes. Horoscopes.
• Angry Cell Phone Guy Turns Me On (Real Hard)
• Fruitloop and Dandy
• Another View of The Fed
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.6

Freshman Allegedly Wooed and Screwed

Cheri Stole (BC 05) was bamboozled into an unfulfilling one-night-stand last Thursday. Stole was seen by an unidentified witness "making a monkey face" at Dan Walston (CC ‘04). The courtship began during G-Chem lab, when Dan allegedly put his arm around Stole's shoulder and referred to her as "muffin."

Stole described her Valentine's Day experience as "totally romantic at first. We had dinner at V&Ts and then we made love in Dan's Carman double until his roommate got back from Scores with his sister.

Later in the day, Dan left a message on her cell phone asking if she would come over and "eat my junk" before class. Said Stole, "To think that he was only after ass during the whole time we talked about Creed! That's the last time I fall for the dinner and butt sex routine. I swear!"

Couple Defiantly Uncelebrates Valentine's Day

Sophomores Kelly Polk and Len Gherkin proudly refused to acknowledge

the significance of Valentine's Day this year. At 7:00pm, Gherkin showed up at Polk's Wien walk-through double with a bouquet of wilted flowers taken from College Walk. "I brought them because I wanted to expose the hollowness of the whole present-giving schemata," said Gherkin, a women's studies major with a 2.7 GPA. "Kelly liked it a lot, I think."

They then went out for dinner at the 110th St. Burger King, where Gherkin and Polk enjoyed a small vanilla shake with two straws. "It was so cool," recalled Polk. "I remember seeing all these people who were heading out, all dressed up, and I'm like 'go ahead! Waste your money today because society wants you to!' I felt so punk rock right then." The couple returned to Polk's room at approximately 7:45pm, where they smoked a bowl and agreed to start seeing other people.

President Rupp Arrested for Aggressive Panhandling

Columbia President George Rupp was arrested Tuesday on charges of aggressive panhandling. According to witnesses, Rupp was seen approaching individuals and requesting "a couple thousand." One bystander, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "He just kept coming up to people outside of the bookstore, asking them for 'a minute.' Then he started pressuring them. First it was just 'a few hundred dollars.' Then he kept asking for more and more. I saw a couple of people cross the street just to avoid him. It was horrible."

President Bush Signs Anti-Bad Guy Legislation

Following recommendations by the Homeland Security Chief, Tom Ridge, President Bush signed a law banning "bad guys" from entering the United States. According to Bush, "this will make any bad guys who plan on coming to the United States think twice. And if they do come, we'll get our good guys to smoke 'em out."