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In This Issue

• Happy VD
• I Want to Be A Matzoh, Matzoh Man
• Letters to the Feditor
• Lee Bollinger Asks: Are You Hot or Not?
• I Hate New York. Now More than Ever.
• Ab Electrocution Devices Found to be Shockingly Unsafe
• Waking up Gay On Sesame Street
• Lunchables for a Dysfunctional World
• Bad Places to Wake Up
• Removing Used Sex Partners is Simple & Fun!
• Columbia University, a.k.a. Outkast's Bitch
• Report from the Frontline-Dancing
• Anarchists betray the goals of liberal politics
• In defense of not defending - but instead attacking - TA Unionization
• A Crash Course In Punk
• R.I.P. What Bar
• Damn You, Nickelodeon
• Newsbriefs del Pueblo
• Pulpit Fiction
• Horoscopes? Why, yes. Horoscopes.
• Angry Cell Phone Guy Turns Me On (Real Hard)
• Fruitloop and Dandy
• Another View of The Fed
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.6

I’m not white; I’m Jewish.

Dear Mr(s). Outkast,

We are writing to apologize again for our delay in paying you for your rousing performance last spring. You sure can "flip some fat rhymes." And yes, it is true, the show was "jumpin'". You are some truly cool dudes. There ain't nobody dope as you. You really are very clean and fresh. We would, however, like to discuss some sort of payment plan with you because although we have yet to come up with your "20 G's" and understand that "that aint right", we are quite alarmed at the prospect of having you "pop a cap in our collective ass". You needn't come "up to our hood with the Glocks."

We are truly hurt that you feel that this is another example of "the white man bringin' you down" and we sincerely are not trying to "play you". As much as we appreciate your suggestions for fundraising, it really is not feasible to "pimp those Barnard hos" or "grow mad chronic" in the biosphere. In addition, because you are now holding all of Columbia ransom for your "bills" we have been unable to fund any new student clubs this school year. We are sure that you really do "give a g-ddamn" about such student organizations as Barnard Inter-Organization of Teachers, Cooks, and Housewives (BIOTCH), and Forget About Girls (FAG).

These clubs need our funding to better support their egocentric pizza parties, and instead, we have our money tied up paying for your "baby's mama's mama's shoppin' spree" and your "loped-out ride". We here at Columbia feel that you are compassionate, reasonable "homies" and we wish that you would just look at it from our point of view. We've got love for y'all and we feel like you truly are our "brothas". To quote: "We got a special thing goin' on. It's full grown." We look forward to hookin' up and speaking about this. For Real.

Peace,

Columb-izity Univers-izit