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In This Issue

• Happy VD
• I Want to Be A Matzoh, Matzoh Man
• Letters to the Feditor
• Lee Bollinger Asks: Are You Hot or Not?
• I Hate New York. Now More than Ever.
• Ab Electrocution Devices Found to be Shockingly Unsafe
• Waking up Gay On Sesame Street
• Lunchables for a Dysfunctional World
• Bad Places to Wake Up
• Removing Used Sex Partners is Simple & Fun!
• Columbia University, a.k.a. Outkast's Bitch
• Report from the Frontline-Dancing
• Anarchists betray the goals of liberal politics
• In defense of not defending - but instead attacking - TA Unionization
• A Crash Course In Punk
• R.I.P. What Bar
• Damn You, Nickelodeon
• Newsbriefs del Pueblo
• Pulpit Fiction
• Horoscopes? Why, yes. Horoscopes.
• Angry Cell Phone Guy Turns Me On (Real Hard)
• Fruitloop and Dandy
• Another View of The Fed
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.6

"Let's face it, no one cares about God anymore," bemoans Jeff Stern, Marketing Executive for e.lectronic Publishing. Stern's complaint is not a new one, but his company's response to this dilemma is unprecedented. Last week,

eLectronic Publishing began its second printing of God: Uncensored, a technologically savvy translation of the Bible aimed at today's teenagers.

To achieve the interactive religious experience Stern describes, designers included a "Jew-party" CD-ROM with trivia from the Old Testament set to the theme song of the popular popular situation comedy, Friends. The makers of God: Uncensored also put a 21st Century spin on their translations of ancient Greek and Hebrew manuscripts. In the updated version of the Ten Plagues, for instance, Egyptians endure a torrent of Cruise Missiles and laser-guided bombs, the freezing of their international bank accounts and the state-sponsored assassination of their first-born. For an extra $14.75, one can purchase a CD featuring some of today's hottest entertainers performing 109 "Pizalms."

Reads poet and rap artist Tek Mine's rendition of the 23rd Pizalm:

Lord my Shepherd, one true homey,
Strong but soft, like a real sweet booty
Walks me through da valley
Big shout-out to Cali!
Yeah, pass da blunt, fill my 40
Makin bitches shout "Oh Lordy!"

These efforts seem to be paying off. "Before, I thought the Bible was just about boring old dead people," recalls eight-grader, Thad Morris. "I never knew it had all this cool stuff like dudes porking other dudes, decapitation and chicks getting stoned!" Billy Tinklewater's parents forbid his reading Harry Potter so he asked for God: Uncensored for Christmas. "I like its centerfold and the free stick of bubble gum," he says. His parents await the release of the comic book version in 2003. The numbers echo Thad and Billy's assessments. In 2001, God Uncensored sold over half-a-million copies.

Despite this hit with consumers, the book is unlikely to satisfy hardliners in either liberal universities or fundamentalist churches. "I mean, how seriously can you take a book that sums up Deuteronomy in a single sentence?" demands Dr. Martin Klassanoff of Princeton Divinity School. "I mean, all it is says for the entire chapter is 'Jewy stuff that Jesus got rid of [See Mathew.].'" James McFee of Bob Jones University shares Dr. Klassanoff's concern. "Now I'm all for getting youngsters to read the Word, but this stuff is worse than Hollywood! ‘The Song of Solomon' is about a passionate love for God, not porn," he insists. He points to verse 3.11 of "The Song of Solomon," "Give it to me Lord! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! My cup runneth ooooova! Uh!" The publishers defend this translation, arguing they sought only to "put the ‘cry' back in Christ." McFee also objects to its treatment of Ecclesiastes, which opens, "Bullshit! It's bullshit! I'm telling you man, all that's bullshit!"

However, this controversy only seems to add to the book's success. The Avenging Judith and Tablet-Tearing Moses action figures scored a big hit with consumers last holiday season and a made-for-TV movie is already in the works. Anonymous sources hint that Angelina Jolie is interested in playing the role of Eve and Leonardo DiCaprio may return to the screen as Jesus of Nazareth.