• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Happy VD
• I Want to Be A Matzoh, Matzoh Man
• Letters to the Feditor
• Lee Bollinger Asks: Are You Hot or Not?
• I Hate New York. Now More than Ever.
• Ab Electrocution Devices Found to be Shockingly Unsafe
• Waking up Gay On Sesame Street
• Lunchables for a Dysfunctional World
• Bad Places to Wake Up
• Removing Used Sex Partners is Simple & Fun!
• Columbia University, a.k.a. Outkast's Bitch
• Report from the Frontline-Dancing
• Anarchists betray the goals of liberal politics
• In defense of not defending - but instead attacking - TA Unionization
• A Crash Course In Punk
• R.I.P. What Bar
• Damn You, Nickelodeon
• Newsbriefs del Pueblo
• Pulpit Fiction
• Horoscopes? Why, yes. Horoscopes.
• Angry Cell Phone Guy Turns Me On (Real Hard)
• Fruitloop and Dandy
• Another View of The Fed
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.6

You return to your single in Wien after eight hours of doing speedballs with your friends in the back of an after-hours joint in midtown. And of course the Barnard girl you left in your room hours ago is sobbing at the foot of your bed. Now, this may be an everyday circumstance for me, but for those of you without proper training in sexual diplomacy, this can be a difficult situation to negotiate. So before I leave this fine institution, let me at least pass on the little practical knowledge I have obtained here.

Now, an emotionally broken partner represents humanity at its most vulnerable. But before you try to score butt sex, remember that your sexual function will be marginal at best. Sex with a priapism isn't fun for anyone. In addition, merely fucking your problems away provides only a temporary solution. Besides, a mediocre orgasm followed by the discomfort of that person's presence for the next two to six hours hardly seems worth it. What you need is sleep and the only way to achieve that is to softly remove the offending party from their misery and then from your space. Frankly though, only the latter is essential, unless you're one of those crass individuals who insists on maintaining a sexual bullpen, in which case, you might try for the butt sex. If she acquiesces, she's a keeper. At least until junior year.

Maintaining control of the situation requires you to keep your lover off-balance by employing a verbal cattle prod to play off their emotional instability and sexual insecurity. After that, it's simply a matter of reminding them of their father's personal indiscretions, their mother's frequent flirtation with institutionalization, or a sibling's robust sexual prowess to have them running in tears. However, if you don't have the interest or memory to learn such key psychological triggers, it is best to play on their physical shortcomings. After all, if they were attractive enough to keep you interested, you wouldn't have taken several hours to step out for "cigarettes."

If you've done enough drugs the previous evening, you can use this age-old technique to subtly allude to the fact you've lost interest in your partner. Toss them on the bed and tell them you want it right here, right now. Then, when your Charlie-numbed (that's soft, dry, and scabby) genitals fail to respond properly, tell them they obviously don't excite you any more because they're too fat, ugly and frigid to turn you on even though you're really horny. You can complete the performance by stimulating yourself to and completing on your partner, accompanied with a loud "Just so you know, that's how it's done."

Of course, you may want to use a less subtle approach to remove the offending party. But this involves considerable verbal gymnastics and personal bravery. While comforting your damaged goods, explain that you were just trying to figure things out. When the sobbing stops, walk back to the residence of your lover. Don't punk out just because you got them out of the house. You must ensure that your partner remains the pliable utensil you keep them around for in the first place. Take them up to their suite or dorm room. Then when the roommates say hello, ask one of these living partners to make "a beast with three backs." Beware, there are people who will go for this. If this happens, you can leave the roommates to pleasure each other. Wait a few days and listen for gossip as their domestic situation becomes either disturbingly satisfying or predictably estranged.

If you're too strung out to bother with any grand physical strategy to dispense of your unwanted sexual burden, then try this simple technique which requires little sexual posturing or verbal confrontation. When returning to your room, feign excitement and open up the back of the Village Voice. Pick a she-male escort at random, point excitedly and say, "I knew I'd seen her before. It was her in the bathroom!" If this doesn't immediately empty your bed, then pick up the phone and dial said she-male escort, "just to make sure she made it home okay." If your lover still hasn't left, simply inform them that you lost your works back at the club, but Jesus had some old needles that you were able to "borrow."

I suppose all these techniques require a degree of self-effacing charm to pull off. But if you're into swapping and ditching casual sexual encounters in between coke binges, then you're arrogant and self-loathing enough that none of this should bother you. It should not bruise your ego much, so long as you get what you want. After all, that would be a small price to pay to keep rotating in and out surrogate parents for you to fuck. This keeps your denial intact and suicidal tendencies at bay. And that's all you need to get through this place. It's kept me going eight years.