• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• The Spec Almost Led Me Into White Slavery
• Where Have All the Strippers Gone?
• Abused by Geriatrics Without Prozac
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Marauding Interviewer
• Free to Speak? Shut Up!
• Where It's Safe to Sodomize
• Unionized Columbians Become Denizens of Primal Gangland
• CAVA Shifts Focus from Medicine to Profitability
• Garment Grabber Liberates Clothes From Floor
• Legless Pigeon Recounts Tales of Early Abuse
• Geek has +9 Indifference Cloak Against Discrimination
• Columbia Hits Me Where the Bruises Will Never Show
• We Have a Film Critic?
• The Future Is Now, and It's Pointing and Laughing
• Juice Review - A Mango Juice Odyssey
• Fed Favorites
• I Hate You Damn Happy People
• Your Pets Will Be Waiting for You in Hell
• Fruitloop and Dandy
• Wacky Fun Abuse!
• My AIM is True
• A Word from Our Advertisers
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.7

I'll never forget the first time I met Columbia University. It was spring of my Junior year of high school, and he just showed up in fourth period history class, his brochure all blue and shiny. My heart started beating fast.

Our courtship began when I first went to visit CU over spring break. The two of us, well, we just fell in love. CU had dashing city charm, urban adventure, and a sensitive, ivy-covered, inside that really cared about me as a person. The day CU sent me that letter asking me to go steady was one of the happiest days of my life.

I was in for quite a shock. I showed up in late August and it just wasn't how it had been between us. CU apparently had "special relationships" with many students-girls and boys. How was I supposed to turn a blind eye to CU's philandering? But when I tried to talk to him about it, all I got was the cold shoulder from the administration. Alright, I told myself, I'll just have to work harder to prove to CU that I'm really the one for him. So that's what I did. Slowly, but surely, throughout that first semester of ours, I lost contact with my friends, family, and high school acquaintances.

CU was an emotional roller coaster. He'd get suspicious and throw out my mail because he thought I was cheating on him with other schools. He even cut off my phone service so I couldn't talk to anyone else. The only places I was allowed to go to at night were Butler and the Carman Library. This kept up until the point where I couldn't sleep, my confidence was totally shot, and I had an insecurity complex the size of a Barnard freshmyn's ass. The situation with CU was totally out of hand. CU was telling me what to eat, where to live, and what a capella groups to join. But I kept coming back for more. It was only when the physical abuse began that I started to realize how wrong everything was.

In mid-November, I was on my way to lab when I decided to stop at 212 for a cup of tea. CU must have been in a bad mood that afternoon, because when I asked for tea, he went crazy and threw the cup of boiling water at me.

When my parents heard about what had happened they called CU and went crazy on him. After that, CU promised he'd change. He said he'd do more to help me out when I wasn't feeling great, and he'd try to pay more attention to me. He said that the only reason he was so hard on me was because he saw so much potential in me and wanted me to get tough so I could manage in the real world. It was just that sometimes my whining would get him so mad. Well, for a while there, things were calm, but them-blam! Finals!!! True to his egomaniacal nature, CU made me work for him till I dropped, and then he kicked my ass any way. I just didn't understand! Was he just after my tuition money the whole time? Was I just another notch in his pamphlet statistics chart? I felt confused and betrayed; I had had enough. Beaten and downtrodden, I vowed that things needed to change.

We decided to go to counseling and, to show he was trying, CU even offered to pay for the first eight visits. He even got me a hook-up with the psychologist. In therapy CU made me see that it was my neediness and insecurity that were the problem in our relationship, and it was nothing a little Prozac, Xanax, Ritalin, and Dexedrine couldn't take care of. Soon my eyes were open to the truth and I discovered that there were other drugs out there that were willing to share my pain. Nowadays, whenever CU gets me down, I just spark a j, sniff some blow, or strap up. I am a well-adjusted individual in a very healthy relationship. CU and I had our sixth-month anniversary yesterday. We celebrated with an eight-ball.