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In This Issue

• The Spec Almost Led Me Into White Slavery
• Where Have All the Strippers Gone?
• Abused by Geriatrics Without Prozac
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Marauding Interviewer
• Free to Speak? Shut Up!
• Where It's Safe to Sodomize
• Unionized Columbians Become Denizens of Primal Gangland
• CAVA Shifts Focus from Medicine to Profitability
• Garment Grabber Liberates Clothes From Floor
• Legless Pigeon Recounts Tales of Early Abuse
• Geek has +9 Indifference Cloak Against Discrimination
• Columbia Hits Me Where the Bruises Will Never Show
• We Have a Film Critic?
• The Future Is Now, and It's Pointing and Laughing
• Juice Review - A Mango Juice Odyssey
• Fed Favorites
• I Hate You Damn Happy People
• Your Pets Will Be Waiting for You in Hell
• Fruitloop and Dandy
• Wacky Fun Abuse!
• My AIM is True
• A Word from Our Advertisers
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.7

7) BULLY

This movie was directed by Larry Clark. I hate Larry Clark. Larry Clark made the repulsive-for-no-good-reason Kids. Larry Clark is a hack and some kind of sleaze, but Bully is brilliant, an incredible portrayal of the moral vacuum that the south Florida high schoolers who took it upon themselves to kill a bully who happened to be their friend. Every nuance, every action, every little um, ah, and slurred word rings 100% true. Gritty, graphic and somewhat obscene (the camera appears to have some sort of gravitational attraction to actress Bijou Phillips' crotch), this is movie that provides a glimpse into the realm of where kids kill as easily as they hit restart on their Playstation.

6) GHOST WORLD

Maybe this could be considered Bully after detox and therapy, and with a somewhat sunnier outlook on life. And fewer beaver shots too. The most spot-on comedy about high school since Fast Times at Ridgemont High and the funniest movie of the year. Thora Birch stars as recent high school grad who uses her hipster irony to block out any deeper emotion. And Steve Buscemi, who gets to use his "basset hound with glaucoma eyes" in his best performance ever, is the sad-sack loser who wakes her up. "He's the exact opposite of everything I hate," she says. And damn if that isn't love.

3) MULHOLLAND DRIVE

Quick, think of another movie that can be appropriately described as a incisive look at the whoredom of Hollywood, a musing on the nature of desire, dreams, and reality, AND feature red hot, girl-on-girl action? Aside from being one hot mama, Naomi Watts delivers THE best female performance of the year as both a wide-eyed ingenue and really slutty lesbo. Trust me.

2) LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING

There are some movies that lay claim to the title of "epic" just because they've got an ungodly running time or some wide-angle shots of an expanse of nature. And then there's a real epic-one that tells a detailed, finely woven story of complex characters, whose scope is both immensely grand and affectionately intimate at the same time. One with a shitload of hobbits.

1) A.I. Artificial Intelligence

So, I understand that there are some people that don't like this particular movie. I invite these people to bite me. Ya'll can apologize in twenty years.

SIDE AWARDS

THE HOLLYWOOD CLICHE AWARD: THE NOBLE RETARD/GENIUS

If I see another frickin' actor trying to show his acting chops by playing a mentally handicapped character, I'm going to heave. Hey! I'm going to bug out my eyes, have a nervous tic, and talk like I just burnt the tip of my tongue! Aren't I the best actor in the history of the WORLD?!? Hey, what if, in addition to all that, I whirl around a lot and then SHOUT REALLY LOUD! Russell, come and get your Oscar!

THE WORST MOVIE I SAW ALL YEAR: TOMB RAIDER

I stayed away from the obvious shitburgers like Glitter and Freddy Got Fingered. But Tomb Raider? Oh my. Starring Angelina Jolie and co-starring Angelina's breasts, Angelina's lips, Angelina's ass, and Angelina's dad. It's just an incomprehensible mess, from beginning to what I took to be the end, since the lights came back on. Let me give you a Reader's Digest version: Bang! Bang! Quick, run over here! Bang! Bang! Now over here! Bang! Bang! Uh-oh! Bang! Bang! Whew! That was a close one! The end.