• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• The Spec Almost Led Me Into White Slavery
• Where Have All the Strippers Gone?
• Abused by Geriatrics Without Prozac
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Marauding Interviewer
• Free to Speak? Shut Up!
• Where It's Safe to Sodomize
• Unionized Columbians Become Denizens of Primal Gangland
• CAVA Shifts Focus from Medicine to Profitability
• Garment Grabber Liberates Clothes From Floor
• Legless Pigeon Recounts Tales of Early Abuse
• Geek has +9 Indifference Cloak Against Discrimination
• Columbia Hits Me Where the Bruises Will Never Show
• We Have a Film Critic?
• The Future Is Now, and It's Pointing and Laughing
• Juice Review - A Mango Juice Odyssey
• Fed Favorites
• I Hate You Damn Happy People
• Your Pets Will Be Waiting for You in Hell
• Fruitloop and Dandy
• Wacky Fun Abuse!
• My AIM is True
• A Word from Our Advertisers
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.7

Acclaim for "Angry Cell Phone Guy Turns Me On" (17.6)

Brilliant! I loved it! Tell me, is it true?
What a howl,
Carl

Carl,
Is it true that I think the angry cell phone guy is sexy? Of course. I love short men. Is it true that I called him? Unfortunately, no. I still haven't gotten to talk to him. I just pine away sadly. Sigh. But the quotes from the first half of the article are true. He really did dis a dead Beatle.
Katie Herman

Your article had me in fits. For weeks I've been posting quotes a few of us have heard this guy yell, [including:]
"You may be stupid, BUT at least you're not a DEMOCRAT!!!"
"NO NO!!!! I know you're my girlfriend but DON'T LIE TO ME!!!"
"There are many issues involved here!!! Number one, is it feasible AND cost-effective to bomb that nation!?!?!"
"I'll be DAMNED if you get the best of me this time!!!"
"If you don't get out of my house now...!!!"
"You're NOT my biological brother!!!"
Your article made my day, great job.
Mike

Wow, thanks. I'm glad to know that people actually know what I'm talking about and it's not only us at the Fed who have noticed the angry cell phone guy. I'm glad you liked my article.
Katie

Acclaim for "I Hate New York. Now More Than Ever."(17.6)

Dearest Dave,
In an attempt to be funny, you compare living in New York City to eating a box of Ho-Hos (is this what you do on your weekends?) which takes zero creativity. So if you plan on being funny for a living, plan on making about zero dollars. You later say that "[p]re-September 11th New York was essentially jihad-free." Did you forget about the first bombing in 1993 or the time when radicals stormed a banquet and assassinated [sic] a Rabbi shortly before that? These sorts of problems and threats have always been there my Ho-Ho-eating-friend. Most of us have learned to deal. Listen: since the time that Giuliani became mayor, many followers have flocked to NY to be "cool." You are one of these. No one invited you here, so why don't you become a trend-setter instead of a trend-follower and set the trend to leave. This way you don't have to cower in the confines of your dorm room stuffing your face with Ho-Hos.
George Lock
Fordham

Dear George,
My mom doesn't find me funny or creative either, so it's OK...but are you calling me a fatty? Note that I said "essentially jihad-free" instead of "completely jihad free." Surely you can see the difference in psychological impact between seeing six people die from a failed attempt to blow up the WTC and seeing three thousand die in a successful attempt to blow up the WTC.

Judging by your letter, the problem isn't with anything I've written. Lemme guess...you're a lifelong New Yorker who's pissed off at the fact that this place recently fell back into fashion and is now overrun by people you perceive to be tourists. We do the same shit back in my little town in Massachusetts when New Yorkers come up to spend their summers there and generally end up acting like caffeinated, infantile assholes. And when I get pissed off at our tourists, I at least have the good sense to know that I'm being a fucking redneck. But anyways, it's more than a little presumptuous of you to tell me that I came to NY because it's "cool," and as you might know, when you presume, you make a priss out of u and me. I always thought I had come to NYC because I didn't get into Harvard (before I came to Columbia, I had lived in Boston but not New York, so I could only guess that the greater Boston area was an infinitely nicer place to live than NYC. Living here has confirmed my suspicion). But anyways, thanks for straightening my shit out.

Wait, hold on a second. I just reread your letter. Did you reference Ho-Hos once again in the last paragraph? George Lock, master of witticism.

In any case, don't worry. Once I'm done here, I'll be leaving NYC faster than you can scream "No" five thousand times (it'll take me a bit to pack up my shit). But I'll miss you. Keep in touch.

Dave Danese