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In This Issue

• The Spec Almost Led Me Into White Slavery
• Where Have All the Strippers Gone?
• Abused by Geriatrics Without Prozac
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Marauding Interviewer
• Free to Speak? Shut Up!
• Where It's Safe to Sodomize
• Unionized Columbians Become Denizens of Primal Gangland
• CAVA Shifts Focus from Medicine to Profitability
• Garment Grabber Liberates Clothes From Floor
• Legless Pigeon Recounts Tales of Early Abuse
• Geek has +9 Indifference Cloak Against Discrimination
• Columbia Hits Me Where the Bruises Will Never Show
• We Have a Film Critic?
• The Future Is Now, and It's Pointing and Laughing
• Juice Review - A Mango Juice Odyssey
• Fed Favorites
• I Hate You Damn Happy People
• Your Pets Will Be Waiting for You in Hell
• Fruitloop and Dandy
• Wacky Fun Abuse!
• My AIM is True
• A Word from Our Advertisers
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 17.7

Katie O'Shea

In an attempt to alleviate difficult living conditions, the student body of Columbia voted last Tuesday to unionize under the auspices of United Autoworkers Local 247. Said pro-union student Jean Dinkensen (CC ‘04), "My time here has one of unpaid toil and hardship. I put in countless hours of study for this school, and do I get paid? No! I pay them! So I'm saying that unionization will solve every problem of student life that years of arbitration never did. Straight up."

Through it all, one student group has gathered much of the responsibility for bringing UAW to the table: they are known as Democratic Undergrads Promoting Extensive Solidarity, or DUPES. Said Russ Landis (SIPA ‘02), president of the DUPES, "We thought about the Teacher's Union briefly, but joining the UAW really made a lot more sense. The automobile industry has never been stronger in America, and it is our distinct hope that UAW can bring to Columbia the ethics and good faith that have made Flint, Michigan what it is today."

Recently, the UAW has all but cemented its place in the university community. This Thursday marked the groundbreaking ceremony for Lion's Court II, which is planned to be a pre-fabricated gray structure in which union business may be attended to.

Representing the students in all collective bargaining will be Vincent "Legs" Jackobite, district boss and winner of the 2001 "Mr. UAW" competition. While glancing at the foundation for Lion's Court II, Jackobite remarked, "This will make a hell of a casino-I mean, meeting hall. Staffing it will create no end of student jobs...I already made a few calls to the New School, and we can have the hostesses, waitresses, and croupier girls ready as of next week. Work-study or Mexican day-labor only, please." Jackobite then shifted his eyes beneath a maroon fedora as a murmuring oblong box was lowered into the wet cement.

Distinct changes have already been felt throughout campus, especially among non-union students like Trotter Killingsworth IV (CC ‘05). While attempting to enter Butler Library last Tuesday, Killingsworth was showered with brickbats and taunted with cries of "Scab! Kill the scab!" Killingsworth remains resolute, however. "They'll never break me," he said while adjusting his ice pack. "My education at Columbia means more to me than that. Father was a Yalie and Mother was a street corner hooker, and both have stopped talking to me since matriculation. Columbia is my only family, and nothing's coming between us."

With a new priority to increase the profitability of Columbia life, CAVA has received a change in mission statement. Explained medical officer Binky Palermo, "During the day shifts, the ambulance will be outfitted with a stove; crew members will sell short-order meals through the side window. We're proudest of our new night operations, however. Instead of delivering quality medical care to the university community, we'll be delivering really lethal weed at a price you can afford."

President Rupp was optimistic about the future of the partnership between Columbia and UAW. Emerging from an all-night bargaining session, Rupp gave a brief statement. "I give in," he said, "let [incoming president] Bollinger deal with these creeps. I raise money for eight years, and how does Columbia repay me? They throw it all into the coffers of some damn wop!" Rupp then re-bandaged his bloody thumb and entered his chrysanthemum Volvo station wagon, which exploded upon ignition.

Assembly lines are already being instituted in the library study carrels, so that students may complete homework more efficiently. UAW progenitor Henry Ford rose from the dead to remark, "Instead of having students go to the problems, the problems go to the students! This is for gentiles only, by the way. Now it's back to my eternal punishment, where I fruitlessly attempt to install a steering wheel in a K-Car that endlessly rolls up and down a hill."