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In This Issue

• How to Hold on to Your Honey
• Gerald Jackson is Simply Fabulous
• Kid Gets 'F' for 'Fat' on Report Card
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Glam Faux Pas on College Walk
• Cap'n Crunch = Pervert
• Frugal Gourmet goes Glam; Glitter is Cheap
• Screw the Superbowl! The World is Next!
• 50 Mindblowing Tips for Pleasing your She-male
• Necessary Knowledge for Proper Tape-Mixing
• Gone Society Whorin'
• There is No Message
• GLAM! Makeovers by the Fed Fashionista
• Whoroscopes for the Broken-Hearted
• Disturbing Lack of Glam on Campus
• Newsbriefs
• Prince reveals all, pulls pants back up

U2 frontman and rock superstar Paul Hewson, a.k.a. Bono, shocked the world last week when he announced that he would be running for president in 2004. In spite of his lack of US citizenship and credibility as a politician, Bono is characteristically self-assured of the success of his upcoming campaign. In an exclusive interview with the Fed, Bono explains his motivations and plans for the future.

Fed: You've never held office before, aren't a U. S. citizen, and majored in home economics. Isn't this quite a step for you?

Bono: No, I don't think it is. Bono's been political all his life. For example, I have been personally accredited with saving the Japanese from their oppressors in Switzerland. Bono's given so much to this planet. I thought I was sending a clear signal to the world when I pulled that flag out of my ass at the Super Bowl.

Fed: That was quite a stunt, but seriously, do you think the American people will vote for you? You must know that an independent party doesn't stand much of a chance of actually being elected into the White House. Besides, "All That You Can't Leave Behind" really sucked.

Bono: Let's face it. America loves Bono. Bono's shit could run for president and still fare better than most in an election.

Fed: All too true. Tell us a little about your party and your plans for the White House.

Bono: The Achtung Party is going to raise awareness. While you're in your comfortable home eating your fuckin' preserved woolly mammoth meat, a homeless man in Switzerland is dying of homelessness... and AIDS. Our slogan is tentatively "Eat the flower of poverty and bloom in the seething light."

Fed: That doesn't even make sense.

Bono: Yes, but it's enigmatic and deep. Do you like my sunglasses? I'm Bono. (He seems to address himself as he says this.)

Fed: Yes I know.

Bono: But do you really know Bono? Contemplate Bono. Bono is about life, and life is about rock music and fighting poverty. The Palestinians in Northern Ireland are still fighting the Israeli's in the South. What are you doing about it? Nothing! (Bono pauses to adjust his light blue sunglasses and continues slowly). But there is hope for this world. I believe that deep down inside, there's a little bit of Bono in all of us.

Fed: Speaking of Bono being inside people, I heard you're not really into that.

Bono: Only Bono is worthy of Bono's seed, so until my scientists have succeeded in cloning me, a mirror is all I really need in terms of a lover.

Fed: So who's going to be first lady?

Bono: The Edge. And that guy from Creed, he's going to be vice president. I think Americans like that kind of stuff. I'm fuckin' Bono! Bono.... (He trails off repeating his name for his own benefit.)

Fed: So you've said.

Bono: When Bono landed in Ireland in his secret alien space-pod, he was on a mission to create rock music and solve the world's problems.

Fed: Excuse me?

Bono: I'm Bono. (With certainty).

Fed: Stop saying that! . . . So what comes after presidency? I mean you can't climb that much higher. Are you going to release more albums?

Bono: Bono's applying for the position of God. Did you know God also only has one name? I think I'm well qualified for the position. In terms of music, I plan on releasing about five or so Best of U2 albums, quitting the band, and then recording a solo album. Then I'm going to start a new band consisting of some of the old members and call it U3, because three comes after two, get it?

Fed: Yeah. I'd like your opinion on some current foreign affairs. What do you think of the situation in Afghanistan, and how would you handle it?

Bono: It's bloody terrible.

Fed: So you disagree with president Bush's actions?

Bono: What? Album sales have been just terrible in Afghanistan. I don't know, there's something about voodoo-practicing people that just disagrees with Bono.

Fed: You mean Islam?

Bono: Don't fuckin' correct me. Bono has a solution: We'll send U2 planes over Afghanistan to drop copies of U2 albums. Hopefully, it will promote peace and spur interest in our music.

Fed: Clever. Well thanks again, and good luck with your campaign.

Bono: I'm Bono... Bono.. (Bono repeats his name several times at varying speeds and pitch, as if to see which way makes it sound best).