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In This Issue

• How to Hold on to Your Honey
• Gerald Jackson is Simply Fabulous
• Kid Gets 'F' for 'Fat' on Report Card
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Glam Faux Pas on College Walk
• Cap'n Crunch = Pervert
• Frugal Gourmet goes Glam; Glitter is Cheap
• Screw the Superbowl! The World is Next!
• 50 Mindblowing Tips for Pleasing your She-male
• Necessary Knowledge for Proper Tape-Mixing
• Gone Society Whorin'
• There is No Message
• GLAM! Makeovers by the Fed Fashionista
• Whoroscopes for the Broken-Hearted
• Disturbing Lack of Glam on Campus
• Newsbriefs
• Prince reveals all, pulls pants back up

Dear Fed Fashionista,

So, like, I'm totally feeling like a new look for summer break. You know? Well, actually, I also want to show my ex-boyfriend Chip what he's missing, now that he dumped me in Cancun during Spring Break 2002, for that bitch Heather. So I need you, Fed Fashionista, to work with me and, like, totally make me a GLAM! Honey, y'know? Cuz if you can't help me get GLAM!, then I don't know who can.

-Cali CutiePie J

Dear Ditzy Debbie,

Chip sounds like a jackass, but you probably are too, so to help you win him back, you'll need to follow only two easy steps to get GLAM! and Get Your Man.

1) Make like Britney. Get a habit, and loose 20 pounds. 2) Slut it up. Wear only what you need to not get arrested for public indecency. Die your hair a ghastly shade of blond, slather on the makeup, and prance around in heels so high they give you hernia. Pout you lips and speak in a throaty voice. Also: midriff is key!!! Follow these steps to getting GLAM!, and you'll have him begging for blow jobs in no time.

-FF

Dear Fed Fashionista,

I'm an athleet here at my skool Colombeea. I feel like no one takes me sereeosly. Just because I play football I'm no dumbass. Git me a GLAM! makeover and help peepil think I'm smahrt. Thanx.

-Football Fool

Dear Remedial Raymond,

To get GLAM! and smart (no "h" sweet pea), all you need is a pair of glasses and a pocket protector. I mean, come on! Haven't you ever seen Saved by The Bell? All the smart kids wear glasses. But beware, your buddies may not recognize you with your new glasses (think The New Adventures of Superman). You may be finding yourself hanging out a lot inside random lockers and trash bins. Don't worry though, a lot of CC kids will mistake you for SEAS and start sucking up to you for help with physics. So at least you won't be completely alone.

-FF

Dear Fed Fashionista,

I'm 5 feet tall and weigh 277 pounds. I suffer from roseatia and cystic acne. My hair is patchy and brown, and I've got a clubfoot. Oh, yeah, I have this weird twitch in my right eye, but most people are too distracted by the patch I wear over my left eye to notice. I think my look is sort of "blah" and I was wondering if you could give me a few tips to get GLAM! because I think people don't notice me that much, and I think a new look would maybe help me get more dates.

-Luckless in Love

Dear Luckless in Life,

"Blah"? More like "Blarchghhghgh"! That's the noise I make when I puke. You don't need a few tips, you need a friggin' clue! It isn't that they don't notice you, they just don't want to have to interact with you. Don't you know anything about our society? People hate freaks. My advice to you? Go to your local supermarket, and ask the bag boy (NO EYE CONTACT NECESSARY!) for a paper bag. Then put it over your head. You may not ever be GLAM!, but at least people won't scream and run away, right?

-FF