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In This Issue

• How to Hold on to Your Honey
• Gerald Jackson is Simply Fabulous
• Kid Gets 'F' for 'Fat' on Report Card
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Glam Faux Pas on College Walk
• Cap'n Crunch = Pervert
• Frugal Gourmet goes Glam; Glitter is Cheap
• Screw the Superbowl! The World is Next!
• 50 Mindblowing Tips for Pleasing your She-male
• Necessary Knowledge for Proper Tape-Mixing
• Gone Society Whorin'
• There is No Message
• GLAM! Makeovers by the Fed Fashionista
• Whoroscopes for the Broken-Hearted
• Disturbing Lack of Glam on Campus
• Newsbriefs
• Prince reveals all, pulls pants back up

Folks in Pennsylvania's East Penn School District have their share of disagreements. Some are Lutheran, some Presbyterian; some shop in Lehigh Valley Mall's Abercrombie outlet, while others prefer the one in Wyoming Valley Mall. But there's one thing that everyone can agree on: 17-year-old Ted Marentis is too fat for his own good. To ensure that the truth is clear, the East Penn School District recently sent letters home to all students deemed "overweight." Last Tuesday, Ted Marentis got a letter.

"I first heard about [the letters] when I saw the story on CNN," said Marentis as he recalled that day's six-hour TV binge. "I remember thinking, ‘this is not necessary.'" According to a public statement from school officials, the potential health hazards from obesity are so grave that the condition merits parental notification. No mention was given to the potential health hazards posed by stompings from fat, angry locals.

On the opposite side of the weight spectrum is a lithe young man named Andrew Henry. Henry is a model student and sports enthusiast. Most school districts would consider him an asset, but East Penn sent Henry a warning letter. The reason? He's too skinny. "This is really not fair," said Henry. "I lost a lot of weight because I had mono just before they sent the letters out, and now I'm listed as some kind of manorexic." Henry intends to "eat normally" until he regains his fighting weight.

A local parent scratched his head over East Penn's decision to send weight notification letters home. "If I get a letter that says, ‘Your kid is fat,' what the hell am I supposed to do about it? It's like the district sent a letter home that says, ‘Your kid is a klutz,' or ‘Your kid is uglier than most.'"

Some blame the Pennsylvania Dutch cuisine for chunkifying the district's youth. A trip to The Willow, a traditional Dutch restaurant in East Texas, PA, revealed that the only fruit available on the menu came in fried form. Among the selections were apple fritters, corn fritters, pumpkin fritters, and pear fritters. Even the salad was served with "warm bacon sauce," which was largely suet. But it was really tasty. The fried chicken rocked this reporter's world, and the "fresh country sausage" was also reported to be "excellent."

Mary, the partial owner of The Willow, was insulted by the school district's actions. "They should mind their own business," she said. "They should worry about teaching our kids." She declined to speculate on whether the homestyle food that she has served for forty years bears any responsibility for fatness, and said again, "They should mind their own business." Then she made a kind of snorting noise. It was tough to tell what it was over the phone.

Will the East Penn School District succeed in making its student body easier on the eyes? Both Henry and Marentis said that they and their families plan to "ignore" the letter. It could simply be that East Penn doesn't have enough to worry about. Since 1996, the senior class of East Penn's public high school has contained at least 15 National Merit finalists out of roughly 550 students in each year. East Penn has its problems with drugs and discipline, of course, but they blanch in comparison to the recent difficulties of the nearby Allentown, Bethlehem, and Easton school districts. It's safe to guess that any one of the three urban districts would love to worry about their students' stomach bulges instead of the more pressing handgun bulges. Lord knows how East Penn would deal with a fat kid who packed heat. Maybe he'd get two letters.