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In This Issue

• How to Hold on to Your Honey
• Gerald Jackson is Simply Fabulous
• Kid Gets 'F' for 'Fat' on Report Card
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Glam Faux Pas on College Walk
• Cap'n Crunch = Pervert
• Frugal Gourmet goes Glam; Glitter is Cheap
• Screw the Superbowl! The World is Next!
• 50 Mindblowing Tips for Pleasing your She-male
• Necessary Knowledge for Proper Tape-Mixing
• Gone Society Whorin'
• There is No Message
• GLAM! Makeovers by the Fed Fashionista
• Whoroscopes for the Broken-Hearted
• Disturbing Lack of Glam on Campus
• Newsbriefs
• Prince reveals all, pulls pants back up

Are your meals dull and colorless? Wondering how to put some glam into your diet? Here's how you can glamorize your cooking - and glamorize yourself in the process. After all, you are what you eat, and let's face it, if you eat plain old meat and potatoes, all you're gonna be is plain old meat and potatoes. So put on your spike-heeled boots, your fake glitter eyelashes, and your sequined jacket, and get ready to cook up a fabulously glitzy, sexy, rocking meal.

The first thing to do, before you cook anything is to replace all of your salt with glitter. Next, replace all of your pepper with glitter. In fact, replace anything ground, grated, crushed, scraped, powdered, granulated, brownulated, flaked, freeze-dried, or crystalline that you might conceivably use with glitter. This rule applies to all parts of your life, but especially to cooking. The only exception is Parmesan cheese, which should be replaced with stardust (preferably Ziggy (TM) brand stardust, available at any Roxy Mart). This brings us to the main dish:

Angel Hair Pasta with Ruby Red Sauce and Stardust

Forget white sauce. White light or white heat is fine, but white sauce makes for a dull dish. Ruby red sauce is far more glamorous. Make this sauce by melting together lipstick, nail polish, blush, and any kind of magenta make-up you can find. Who would have guessed cosmetics could be so spicy? The angel hair pasta itself should be dyed with streaks of blue, gold, and orange, and for maximum glam it should be long and permed. Ideally, the dish would be made actually using David Bowie's hair instead of pasta, but it can be a bit hard to come by. The stardust should be served in a small sequined bowl left on the table so your guests may season their dishes in proportion to their personal glam-factors. Of course, you will only have the most beautiful people at your meal.

Fried Spiders from Mars

For this dish you can use either genuine spiders from Mars or regular earth spiders, which can generally be found scurrying around any backyard or in the dusty corners of closets by those sequined pants that you haven't fit into since 1974. Fry them in glitter hair gel and orange dye until they sizzle. Then place each one on an electric yellow star-shaped cracker, with a dab of rouge gel to hold each one in place. Apply silver glitter mascara to their legs, and adorn the plate with a garnish of gold ribbons and tinsel. This recipe works great in a backup capacity, either as a band or dish.

Gary Glitter Sin Cake

Have I mentioned the importance of glitter? This cake is sinfully glamorous, but who could blame it? The cake itself is neither white cake, nor yellow cake, nor chocolate cake, but a beautiful fusion of all the cakes. It is a rainbow cake, with a layer of every possible flavor. It is iced with a mixture of face paint and glitter of any color you chose, and decorated with sequins and bright marzipan stars. It's almost too glam to handle, but at the same time, too glam to resist. For an alternate desert, you can serve rainbow sherbet, topped with (hair) mousse and glitter sprinkles.

For Other Side Dishes

You can serve roxy mushrooms, which will make everything seem to glitter; slade salad, full of rocking beets with snazzy dressing; or t. rex shaped cookies. So there you have your glam meal, guaranteed to dazzle. Serve it up. Eat it. After a few weeks of dining glam, your teeth and eyes will start to sparkle, your skin will glitter, your hair will grow big and beautiful with highlights of all colors, and you'll look great in your dress be you man, woman, or androgyne.