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In This Issue

• How to Hold on to Your Honey
• Gerald Jackson is Simply Fabulous
• Kid Gets 'F' for 'Fat' on Report Card
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Glam Faux Pas on College Walk
• Cap'n Crunch = Pervert
• Frugal Gourmet goes Glam; Glitter is Cheap
• Screw the Superbowl! The World is Next!
• 50 Mindblowing Tips for Pleasing your She-male
• Necessary Knowledge for Proper Tape-Mixing
• Gone Society Whorin'
• There is No Message
• GLAM! Makeovers by the Fed Fashionista
• Whoroscopes for the Broken-Hearted
• Disturbing Lack of Glam on Campus
• Newsbriefs
• Prince reveals all, pulls pants back up

If your last 5 boyfriends haven't lasted long enough for you to get the shackles out of the closet, The Fed's sinsational tips will help you to clamp on that ball and chain before he knows what hit him. All that coy and cute stuff about "falling in love" is a bunch of hooey-if you find a man, you've got to make sure that he's going to stay with you, no matter what. You've got to be a little bad, take some risks, and break a few laws to do this successfully, but what's a little jail time when a good husband is at stake?

Lookin' Good

The first step to ensnaring a man is to appeal to his sense of good breeding. Your body has to tell him, "Inseminate me hard, you stud." Besides designer make-up and hair products, staying thin is essential, but not so thin that you're frequently mistaken for a coat rack. Our resident man expert, Kathleen Hull, Ph.D., tells us, "Twiggy is out, because skinny girls don't look like they can carry offspring and perpetuate a man's genes." So that eliminates anorexia. Bulimia, too, is out like David Bowie circa 1972. Matt, 20, says, "Yeah, the funny thing about bulimics is that they're still fat." The Fed recommends that you skip at least one meal a day, inhale plenty of coffee and cigarettes, and get a tasty bi-monthly enema. Really, they're great and sexy too!

Sex

Now that you've managed to attract him enough to get a date, keep a firm grip on his dick-we guarantee he will never leave your side. Now, some people argue that this behavior is unacceptable in public. Chris, 25, said, "It was winter! There she is, dragging me around by my wee willy winkie while it's snowing! I nearly left her right then, but she has super strong hands." If toting his tube steak isn't your style, try constant oral sex. That way, he'll think he's in control when he gets a blow on demand, but with his unit in between your teeth, we know who's boss.

His Chocolate Starfish

Tickle his asshole. Need we elaborate? Steven, 23: "It's like central command headquarters down there. Infiltration is victory!"

Food

Every woman knows the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. You don't have to be a good cook to keep a man, just know the secret ingredients and have a quality mortar and pestle available. Dr. Hull tells us, "Use a highly addictive substance. When the withdrawal symptoms hit after your first and hopefully only breakup, he'll literally come crawling back asking for your pasta with special sauce." We recommend OxyContin, a relatively cheap painkiller available from your local drug dealer. It's highly physically addictive, and when introduced slowly to his system will only initially produce a slight euphoric state. Grind the pills and sprinkle a small (but ever-increasing) amount on his finished meal. He'll literally never be able to physically leave you. "I realized Rachel was the woman for me because every time I left her for more than a few days, I would get the shakes, splitting headaches, and the Hershey squirts like you wouldn't believe. Now that's love," says Peter, 26. Another good thing to keep in mind is cat tranquilizers. If your man is ever acting restless, just slip some into his cocktail, and by the time he wakes up, he won't even remember his discontent.

Control

When all else fails, the shackles do need to come out of the closet. Try something coy and adventurous like, "Honey, I want to play a game with you. You're going to be my pleasure slave." He'll instantly allow you to fetter him to the bed frame. Congratulations: you've got your man. Why don't you take yourself shopping? It works, too. John, 37, told us, "Help me. I've been here sixteen years. Let me go. My bedsores itch. Help me. Call the police. She's crazy! She's going to kill me soon!" This is the stuff of happy couples. However, if you and your man aren't destined for happiness, it may be something you just have to accept. If you can't have him, no one can: take up taxidermy.