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In This Issue

• How to Hold on to Your Honey
• Gerald Jackson is Simply Fabulous
• Kid Gets 'F' for 'Fat' on Report Card
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Glam Faux Pas on College Walk
• Cap'n Crunch = Pervert
• Frugal Gourmet goes Glam; Glitter is Cheap
• Screw the Superbowl! The World is Next!
• 50 Mindblowing Tips for Pleasing your She-male
• Necessary Knowledge for Proper Tape-Mixing
• Gone Society Whorin'
• There is No Message
• GLAM! Makeovers by the Fed Fashionista
• Whoroscopes for the Broken-Hearted
• Disturbing Lack of Glam on Campus
• Newsbriefs
• Prince reveals all, pulls pants back up

Students United 4 Victory join with Angry Cell Phone Guy

At a recent party thrown in Lerner by the SU4V, a Lerner record was set for attendance: two.

"It was pathetic, there were more Lerner technicians there than crowd members, and there were three techs," said Ethan Heitner, AV tech assistent.

Crowds failed to be drawn even though SU4V offered matzoh for the Passover seder. Many speculated that campus Jews preferred a more traditional set-up.

Among the participants united to celebrate American war were Angry Cell Phone Guy and someone's mom whose son snuck her in.

Despite the appearance of "local rock band" The New Mexicans, few were enticed to stay. The band itself was among those uninterested, and left half an hour early.

Partygoer Thinks Nobody Saw Him Snatch Free Condom

A certain partygoer at ADP Hot Jazz imagined that no one saw him take a condom from the "free" bowl offered at the event.

"He was standing around that bowl for like ten minutes," said besparkled ADP member Huey Loftis. "Just standing there acting like he was waiting for a subway or something. And then, when he felt the moment was right, he stuck his big fat hand in the bowl while looking desperately in the opposite direction."

The man's reluctance to grab the free prophylactics puzzled many at the event, since the only reason anybody comes to Hot Jazz in the first place is to get laid. Laying was up 33% from the fall event. Many credit this increase to the party's ridiculous overcrowding, as bodies ground throughout the night at the sweaty, jampacked frathouse.

Suite Estrogen Levels at All-Time High

Hazmat-suited officials from the Environmental Protection Agency quarantined Plimpton dorms on Friday, concerned about dangerously high levels of estrogen in the atmosphere. One member of the containment squad, after his suit tore on a clothes hanger, was heard worrying about whether the other members of the crew were "still mad" at him for comments made the previous week.

Emergency air-lifts of chocolate bars and copies of Cosmo were planned for the trapped residents of Plimpton, while Barnard administrators denied that the situation was even a serious health concern. "There is no reason for alarm. Estrogen has yet to be proven fatal, even in absurdly large doses. We have every confidence that the number of frilly nightie-clad girls having pillow fights won't increase beyond normal levels."