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In This Issue

• How to Hold on to Your Honey
• Gerald Jackson is Simply Fabulous
• Kid Gets 'F' for 'Fat' on Report Card
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Glam Faux Pas on College Walk
• Cap'n Crunch = Pervert
• Frugal Gourmet goes Glam; Glitter is Cheap
• Screw the Superbowl! The World is Next!
• 50 Mindblowing Tips for Pleasing your She-male
• Necessary Knowledge for Proper Tape-Mixing
• Gone Society Whorin'
• There is No Message
• GLAM! Makeovers by the Fed Fashionista
• Whoroscopes for the Broken-Hearted
• Disturbing Lack of Glam on Campus
• Newsbriefs
• Prince reveals all, pulls pants back up

I have an aunt who likes to say, "If you've got it, flaunt it." By "it," of course, she means "many boob jobs." Among the life-long learner crowd, though, she is certainly a popular one. That's what the 15,000 dollars buys you. So while my auntie's Tan-O-Rama browned boobies float mysteriously in front of her chest, she cavorts me around the Upper East Side, giving me a Manhattan Glam Tour that no single gal (or cuckold-crazy gal) should miss.

A good starting place is always the Copacabana Tanning Hut. Since timeshares in the Hamptons only last for the summer, tanning is necessary to boost color in the winter months. I usually do twenty minutes twice a week; I love the way the UV rays raise my spirits. A word to the wise-don't spare any expense in choosing your tanning salon because you may walk away having contracted more than a great tan.

After browned out, it's time for Beauty 4 U Nailz which, believe it or not, isn't the name of a forgotten Prince song. This is my favorite place to get my nails done because the Korean women who work there are so different from the ones who work at all the other nail places on the Upper East Side. They'll do your claws perfectly so that when you sink them into the man of your dreams, there's no way he won't notice.

Have you ever wanted to get your hair done by a long-dead political theorist? My head belongs to Jean Jacques Rousseau's Designer Hair Salon Experience. He waxes philosophical while he turns your locks into a fountain of cool. I like to get a massage before I get dyed, snipped and coiffed so that I'm optimally relaxed. I also like to let Pierre do whatever he wants-he's got an accent, so he must be good. When in doubt, get a Rachel.

Having done the best I could with what the good Lord gave me, it's time to hit the big guns at Dr. Harry Finkel's Office of Beauty. Lipo, lift, tuck, nip, snip, suck-this guy does it all and I look like a million bucks, while only costing a half million. 10% discount for card-carrying Jewish American Princesses (hey, that's me!); 15% if you offer to go on a date with his son, who has a very big nose, but also a large checking account. Remember to start on the worst area during the first visit. Subsequent visits should be used for minor adjustments, like nose jobs.

Now that the bod is in place, it's time to cover it (just a little). Between Barney's and Bergdorf, there should be enough gay salespeople and designer clothes to make anyone look faboo. The perfect outfit can make the Upper East Side glam look an absolute dream come true-go for basic black and also some black. Now that perfection has been effortlessly achieved, it's time to hit the town and have fun. Remember, when meeting new people, the most important thing is to be yourself-there's nothing men like more than honesty in a woman. When my aunt and I go out together, we like to always keep in mind that when searching for Mr. Right, it's imperative not to waste time on the duds. If there isn't a quick click, we move on, because the man of my dreams won't wait at the bar watching March Madness basketball while I redo my lipstick forever. And never let it all hang out. I always leave a little mystery so that when he's finally safe in my clutches, he's dying to see my true spirit. After I show him, I send him home-if he spends the night, he'll wake up and see my coiffe cum bird's nest, face without make-up, and still-healing scars, which may prevent him from calling me back. This is why I always get his number and never give him mine.