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In This Issue

• How to Hold on to Your Honey
• Gerald Jackson is Simply Fabulous
• Kid Gets 'F' for 'Fat' on Report Card
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Glam Faux Pas on College Walk
• Cap'n Crunch = Pervert
• Frugal Gourmet goes Glam; Glitter is Cheap
• Screw the Superbowl! The World is Next!
• 50 Mindblowing Tips for Pleasing your She-male
• Necessary Knowledge for Proper Tape-Mixing
• Gone Society Whorin'
• There is No Message
• GLAM! Makeovers by the Fed Fashionista
• Whoroscopes for the Broken-Hearted
• Disturbing Lack of Glam on Campus
• Newsbriefs
• Prince reveals all, pulls pants back up

Aries

You are gay. Deal.

Taurus

SWM, 5'9, 250 lbs, a youngish 76, ISO anyone, really. Interests include BD/SM, French cinema... Oh shit, sorry. I mean... the stars compliment you on your ability to not tell anyone about this little mishap, Taurus.

Gemini

You will be seduced by a tall dark stranger with a ready supply of rufies and GHB. This may be your only chance to get laid. Don't blow it.

Cancer

No, really, that looks great on you. It totally accentuates your child-bearing hips. Take my word for it, a fatty can never have too many mumuus.

Leo

It's about time you found someone who really appreciates you. While you're at it, find some zinc oxide lotion for that thing on your face. That's the best I can do for you right now. You can't possibly expect me to solve all your problems at once.

Virgo

Your plans to publish a bestselling tell-all about the entertainment industry will flop when you realize there isn't any dirt to dig up on the cast of the McNeil/Lehrer News Hour. Try that crocodile guy.

Libra

That chick from 7th Heaven is pretty hot, huh? No, not her. The REALLY young one. With the curly hair? Oh yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

Scorpio

Ninety-nine years is a long long time. Oh yeah, ninety-ninety-nine years is such a long long long time. Well, look at me, I'm finally free.

Sagittarius

If you own a successful publishing company and are looking tto hire a recent Columbia graduate at a starting salary of $35 K a year or more, you will have a perfect month. If not, you have cancer.

Capricorn

Some times I feel I've got to... run away. I've got to... get away from the pain you drive into the heart of me. So fuck off.

Aquarius

Fred Flinstone is a good man not despite his desires but because of them. He works hard because there's a payoff for him and those he cares about. I'm not asking you to completely model your life after Fred, but showering regularly wouldn't hurt.

Pisces

Your aspirations to be "more glam than Ann Landers and Dear Abby combined" will sadly never come to fruition. Maybe you should set your goals a little lower next time.