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In This Issue

• Columbia Dry Humps for Gaia
• Springtime, Nipples Everywhere
• Lerner Daycare Creates Funny Smell
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Meta-Clubs on Rampage
• Lion's Cock Viable Alternative to Human's
• God to Spend Summer in Boca
• Odwalla Bars Make Us Do Dirty, Dirty Things
• Naked and Loving It
• Has It Been Eight Years Already?
• Shades for a Bright Summer
• Emeritus: Greek for "Fat and Old"
• Horoscopes-A-Plenty
• A Salute to Business-Casual Racism
• THEY Watch
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• The Staff of 17.9
• Take Back the Night - Gone Wild!

FORTUNE 500 KILLERS MEMBER VOWS CENA REFORM AND FURTHER APPEALS

The Glorious Revolutionary Federation of Fortune 500 Killers do not wish the tentative winners of the 2005 Class Council Election the best.

"Legitimate election, my ass," said the Federation's Candidate for President, an office he hoped to rename General Secretary. "The incompetence and inefficiency of the Columbia College Student Council Committee on Elections, Nominations and Appointments (CENA) created an unequal playing field for our insurgent, dark horse political movement. Its unjust decision that initially kicked us off the ballot (later overturned by the CCSC Judicial Board) cost us two days of campaign time and a blurb and listing in the Spectator -- all enjoyed by the mainstream parties composed of banal political hacks. Furthermore, it held this election on a Thursday night, when most people are recovering from a tough week and wish to either relax and sleep or go out."
The Federation calls for the resignation of the Roar Party leadership, the election "winners."

"The name of their party makes me want to vomit. What creative writing courses did these people take?" said a high-ranking Federation official. "If these people had any spines whatsoever, if they weren't soulless careerists aspiring to shallow lives as mid-level managers at Merrill Lynch, they would at the very least call for new elections so we could recover our lost campaign time. Ideally, they would resign."

Federation intelligence obtained compelling electronic evidence that showed the Roar Party leadership attempting to solicit votes as late as 3 p.m. April 11th -- a violation of a CENA e-mail that prohibited any campaigning during the time prior to the re-vote. Federation officials forwarded the conclusive evidence to both the Spectator and CENA, but in typical fashion, the party has still not heard back from the latter regarding this issue.

The Federation acknowledges the disqualification of Roar's David Toledano, yet it questions why the entire party did not suffer the same fate.

"When CENA harassed the Federation last week about a chalking that read 'We have no fucking posters," it didn't just try to eliminate the person responsible for the chalking. It tried to eliminate the entire party. Where's the goddamn consistency here?" said a high-ranking Federation leader.
The Federation wishes to point its loyal supporters towards Lenin's exile prior to the Russian Revolution.

"Roar broke rules and hijacked a fair election. CENA was complicit. What is this, the end of Reconstruction?" said another high-ranking Federation official. "The victors of this election will forever have asterisks chiseled next to their uncreative, nauseating names. Whatever happens, the Federation is glad it scarred and derailed the careerist goals of someone by, at the very least, swinging the election and stealing votes from mainstream pinheads."

DON'T LEAVE YOUR PROSPECTIVES AT THE ‘STEND OVERNIGHT

Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2002 22:41:40 -0400
From:Christopher Leavell

Dear Columbia Student,

Thanks again for volunteering to host for Days on Campus onWednesday, April 17th. The details: report to Lerner Auditorium between 4-5:30pm. You will be matched with your prospective then. If you can't come in person send a proxy. At 6pm the prospectives need to return to Lerner Auditorium for dinner, and will be occupied from then until midnight. If you have a problem, reply to this email address: ugrad-volunteers@columbia.edu.

Following are some recommendations for being a good host, compiled by Joe Valenti, CC'05:

THE TOP FIVE DON'TS OF BEING A HOST FOR PROSPECTIVE UNDERGRADS

(Based on true stories)
5. DON'T assume prospectives carry fake IDs when making your plans.
4. DON'T forget your keys if you take your prospectives out at night.
3. DON'T cover the air-conditioning vents (or windowsill) with liquor bottles on a very hot day so that they cease to function.
2. DON'T have drug-dealing friends come to visit during the first five minutes of your hosting.
1. DON'T smoke in the room with windows closed (especially if it's hot).

Christopher J. Leavell, CC'99
Assistant Director
Office of Undergraduate Admissions
Columbia University