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In This Issue

• Columbia Dry Humps for Gaia
• Springtime, Nipples Everywhere
• Lerner Daycare Creates Funny Smell
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Meta-Clubs on Rampage
• Lion's Cock Viable Alternative to Human's
• God to Spend Summer in Boca
• Odwalla Bars Make Us Do Dirty, Dirty Things
• Naked and Loving It
• Has It Been Eight Years Already?
• Shades for a Bright Summer
• Emeritus: Greek for "Fat and Old"
• Horoscopes-A-Plenty
• A Salute to Business-Casual Racism
• THEY Watch
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• The Staff of 17.9
• Take Back the Night - Gone Wild!

With drought warnings issued in eight counties in the southern New York area, Columbia students are joining together to educate the University community about water conservation strategies. Earlier this month, a campus-wide coalition called Columbia University / Morningside Students Together Against Needless Drought (CUM STAIND) was formed with members from a diverse array of campus groups, with precisely this goal in mind. Campus Crusade for Christ (CCC), EarthCoalition (EarthCo), and the Columbia College Conservative Club (CCCC), among other groups, have joined forces to create awareness in the Morningside Heights neighborhood about some water conservation strategies that may have been overlooked by New York State Department of Environmental Conservation releases.

CUM STAIND has distributed several thousand copies of a pamphlet entitled: "Say NO to Wet Sex: Save Yourself, Save the Environment." The educational pamphlet, which includes a section called "Top Ten Reasons Penetration is Overrated!" presents the coalition's creative strategy for students to save water: refraining from all sexual activity that might require the use of water.

The pamphlet, which was published and distributed around campus residence halls, popular eateries, and restrooms, boasts a wide array of diverse information. In a section entitled "Ewww! All that icky clean-up!" the pamphlet maintains that vaginal intercourse often requires one or both partners to shower afterwards and wash their sheets and clothing. In addition, individuals wishing to smell good or feel smooth for their partners may even shower and shave before intercourse, wasting "gallons upon gallons of water in smut-expectant cleansing!"

Also found in the pamphlet is a list of alternatives to intercourse, including dry-humping: "not just for your dog, anymore!" Another section of the pamphlet includes a graph of the number of gallons of water required for the clean-up of various sexual activities. The worst offender, according to the chart, is "the sexually perverted act of sodomy, especially when performed by same-sex partners," requiring "7,425 gallons of water to scrub off the vile stench of sin!"

"When we heard about the drought, our first thought was ‘Jesus Fucking Christ...what can we do to help?'" says Campus Crusade for Christ vice-president Charles Hopkins IV, CC ‘02. "Actually, I don't think anyone said ‘Jesus Fucking Christ,' but you get the idea." Hopkins continued: "We've all seen those lame-o water conservation signs posted in the residence halls...you know, ‘turn off the water when you brush your teeth,' that kinda thing...we thought, here's an opportunity for us to reach out to the Columbia community by coming up with a hip, fresh water conservation strategy that will really speak to students." Hopkins then added quietly, "plus, I thought maybe my girlfriend would finally let me take off her bra, if, you know, it was like, legitimized by some fucking campus Christ-worship pamphlet."

Hopkins' girlfriend, Vicki Yu, SEAS ‘05 cited the CCC's mission statement in response to questions about why the group suddenly chose to become involved with environmental issues. "Here at Columbia University, we are committed to turning lost students on campus into Christ-centered laborers." Yu went on to say, "It just seemed like a natural progression for us. If we can help students in the crusade against unchaste desires and pre-marital fornication by framing it as a water-conservation strategy-which it, like, totally is-then we think everyone wins. By the way, have you found Jesus Christ and accepted Him into your heart? Let's go grab some fro-yo and talk some more..."

When contacted for comment, EarthCoalition member Nick Mazzone, CC '03, also expressed concern about the drought issue. "Duuuuude...do you know where I can get a twenty-bag, like, you know, pretty quick? What? The drought? Oh yeah, it's fuckin' messed up that like, people aren't gonna have water and shit, pretty soon, you know? It's like, if the fuckin' capitalist pigs would stop cutting down the Brazilian rainforest and like, fuckin', burning down huuuuuge fields of dank ganja in Colombia, maybe all these people wouldn't have to staaaaarve, you know, man?"

While the various student groups may have different political motivations for getting involved with the drought crisis, one thing is clear: all have put conflicting points-of-view aside for the worthy cause of water conservation. "Those fucking dirty hippies in EarthCo, I don't know how they got involved in this project," said Columbia College Conservative Club representative Jon Rewenberg, CC '02. Rewenberg made it clear that his allegiance was to the environment, and that the CCCC's involvement wasn't merely a right-wing "green-washing" tactic. "The Barnard feminazis and other card-carrying liberals have for too long cornered the market on environmentalism. We compassionate conservatives at Columbia were looking for an opportunity to show that we too care about the environment. I, for example, play golf with Father and Grandad every other Sunday back home in Greenwich...imagine if there were no water to keep the grass that nice emerald color that Grandad likes...it would be terrible! But water conservation isn't just for Grandad...it's for golfers everywhere."

Rewenberg continued: "It just made sense for us to get involved with this issue...but how I ended up having a meeting with that pot-smoking bum from EarthCo, I'll never know. He kept getting excited and saying that it was only 2 days before four-twenty, whatever that means. Must be hippie-speak for ‘concert.'"

The University's response to CUM STAIND has been unclear so far, according to coalition leaders. However, when the Fed contacted incoming University president Lee Bollinger for comment, he had one message to get across: "A coalition that promotes dry-humping? Screw the Palestine/Israel shit...why couldn't there have been a teach-in on Low Plaza about this last week?"