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In This Issue

• Columbia Dry Humps for Gaia
• Springtime, Nipples Everywhere
• Lerner Daycare Creates Funny Smell
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Meta-Clubs on Rampage
• Lion's Cock Viable Alternative to Human's
• God to Spend Summer in Boca
• Odwalla Bars Make Us Do Dirty, Dirty Things
• Naked and Loving It
• Has It Been Eight Years Already?
• Shades for a Bright Summer
• Emeritus: Greek for "Fat and Old"
• Horoscopes-A-Plenty
• A Salute to Business-Casual Racism
• THEY Watch
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• The Staff of 17.9
• Take Back the Night - Gone Wild!

"Roar Lion Roar!" In recent years, that mantra has taken on a whole new meaning, as hundreds of Columbia students are finding viable alternatives to human sexual partners. "Of course, I've never actually done a lion," explains Keith Dirkston, CC ‘03 "but I'd be interested to try." Keith is the president of Bestia Connubium, Columbia's only bestiality society. "It's a personal goal of mine to make sweet animal love to a representative of every major species on this planet," he says, adding, "I'm not so into arachnids, but I like to keep an open mind."

Dirkston's sentiment reflects changing attitudes towards a subject once considered too great a taboo even for a school as liberal as Columbia. However, not everyone at the University is so enthralled with the idea of hot inter-species lovemaking. Bestia Connubium has their work cut out for them in changing the outdated URH policies forbidding animals in University dorms. "People are afraid of what they don't understand," explained one member of the bestiality society. "There was a time when inter-racial couples would be considered scandalous, but people have gotten over their prejudices. I believe that someday people will come to accept inter-species couples as well. Especially once they discover how great donkeys are in the sack!"

When asked to comment on this matter, URH representative Rob Lutomski stated: "We fully respect the sexual preferences of the students at Columbia and are aware that the student body is a truly diverse group. Of course, due to safety-related and humanitarian concerns, we cannot allow animals other than fish and small turtles in the residence halls. However, with a little practice and ingenuity, I believe you'll find that our water-dwelling friends are just as competent in bed as the average horse. Remember, it's not size that counts, it's the motion in the ocean."

Above and beyond URH's oppressive policies, there are further barriers to the goals of the animal lovers. In fact, Bestia Connubium has many animal rights activists up in arms. Sally Buttrofski, BC '03, angrily protests what she believes to be the sexual abuse of endangered animals. "I heard those sick bastards were performing oral sex on Siberian albino elephants. It's absolutely horrible. I mean, just imagine it... their mouths wrapped around that sweet... long... quivering... elephant schlong."

In reference to Sally's statements, Richard Hepsfield, CC '04, explains, "Yeah, I fuck endangered species. I've even done a few giant panda bears. In fact, I was so good that word got around the panda community, and now I'm the reason they don't like to have sex with each other anymore. Once you've gone inter-species, you just never want to go back. Fuck it, man, I mean, like, I'm going to be the first person to have wild butt-sex with a woolly mammoth just as soon as they've succeeded in cloning one."

Like many other students just getting into bestiality, Richard has high aspirations for his sexual safari through the animal kingdom. Be forewarned, however, that there are dangers involved; so initiates to the world of bestiality should be careful not to let their eagerness get in the way of common sense. Just heed these few simple rules offered by Bestia Connubium, and you should have no problems exploring your animal passions:

Always remember to put safety first. The general rule is that the bigger they are, the better the lay they'll be, but the chance of accidental crushings tends to rise as well. So, unless you want to go the way of Catherine the Great, stick to rodents and small mammals in the early stages of your exploration. Furthermore, as Mr. Dirkston so gracefully put it, "Never fuck too close to your species." The closer to humans you get, the higher the risk of pregnancy and venereal disease. Won't you feel silly when you're paying child support for a half-man, half-ape hybrid? And finally, make sure that you always have the animal's consent before engaging in intercourse. If they don't consent, it's rape, even if their bodies say yes.

If you are interested in joining Bestia Connubium, plan on attending the rally on College Walk on Saturday, May 4th at noon. Animal rights activists will also be there on that day to protest the organization's activities. Furthemore, an unrelated group of students protesting the protesters plans to demonstrate as well. "We'll be heading upstate to go farm-hopping after the rally," says Hepsfield, "because you know how the old saying goes: Mary had a little lamb, and damn, it was good in bed!"