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In This Issue

• Columbia Dry Humps for Gaia
• Springtime, Nipples Everywhere
• Lerner Daycare Creates Funny Smell
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Meta-Clubs on Rampage
• Lion's Cock Viable Alternative to Human's
• God to Spend Summer in Boca
• Odwalla Bars Make Us Do Dirty, Dirty Things
• Naked and Loving It
• Has It Been Eight Years Already?
• Shades for a Bright Summer
• Emeritus: Greek for "Fat and Old"
• Horoscopes-A-Plenty
• A Salute to Business-Casual Racism
• THEY Watch
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• The Staff of 17.9
• Take Back the Night - Gone Wild!

God told media sources today that He has rented a condo in Boca Raton, Florida. God said that the past year has been very stressful for him, with the events of 9/11 and the resulting war in Afghanistan, along with the constant fighting between the Israelis and Palestinians, so He is going to take this summer off to relax and work on his tan.

"I have to get rid of this ugly white glow," He said. "I look like a ghost, so sickly and pale. Besides, I'm sick of this constant bickering between you humans. You're a bunch of spoiled kids, that's what you are. ‘That's my Jerusalem!' ‘Nuh-uh! It's mine. Give it to me.' Quit whining, or I'll sink the whole Me-forsaken region and make Africa an island. I tell you to share, and you throw a temper tantrum. Didn't you learn anything in kindergarten? I leave you to work it out on your own, and you come crying that I've abandoned you. What do you want from me? I'm only one God. There is none other. And then you start blaming me for your problems. ‘God said I could have it. God told me to blow everyone up.' Oy, have you no mercy on your poor God's nerves? I'm old. I've had enough. I'm going to Florida."

When asked why He did not choose a more exotic vacation spot, God replied, "None of it's exotic to me. I made all this crap. Do you think that tree house you made when you were a kid is exotic? No, it's just a little piece of shit made from a couple slabs of wood. I just want to go somewhere warm. Boca is perfect, because there are lots of old Jewish people there with whom to play bridge and canasta."

Meyer and Judith Goldbaum, who are going to be God's neighbors for the summer, were asked how they felt about living a few doors down from the Almighty. Ms. Goldbaum seemed pleased with the idea. "I have been praying for years for God to find Arnold a nice Jewish girl for a wife. Arnold, that's my son. He went to Harvard. But he's never been very good with the girls because he's always had the pimples. But now we can have God over for bridge, and we'll show him pictures of Arnold and tell him all about him. Then He'll see what a nice boy he is, and He'll have to find him a wife."

Mr. Goldbaum, however, seemed less enthusiastic. "I will not have God playing bridge in my house," he said. "For fifty years we have been playing bridge with Shirley and Louis Mendelstein, and we will continue to play bridge with them. If God comes over, then we will have five people, and someone will have to sit out. And of course, God will just win every time. He's omniscient, for Chrissakes! And if by some kind of miracle He loses, then what's He gonna do? You think He's just gonna forgive you for beating him? No! There will be no God in my house. He can play bridge with someone else."