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In This Issue

• Columbia Dry Humps for Gaia
• Springtime, Nipples Everywhere
• Lerner Daycare Creates Funny Smell
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Meta-Clubs on Rampage
• Lion's Cock Viable Alternative to Human's
• God to Spend Summer in Boca
• Odwalla Bars Make Us Do Dirty, Dirty Things
• Naked and Loving It
• Has It Been Eight Years Already?
• Shades for a Bright Summer
• Emeritus: Greek for "Fat and Old"
• Horoscopes-A-Plenty
• A Salute to Business-Casual Racism
• THEY Watch
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• The Staff of 17.9
• Take Back the Night - Gone Wild!

Katie Herman

After this picture was taken, the security guard tackled this man and arrested him for possession of "a snack too good to be legal"

One bright and beautiful day last week, I went out on campus with Odwalla bars in hand and the mission of trying to make people do dumb things for health food.  Here's what happened:

Greg Shill CC '02

Fed: Mind if we ask you a question?

Greg: Okay, I haven't showered in days.

Fed: It's okay, we're The Fed. No one on the staff showers either. The question is: What would you do for an Odwalla bar?

Greg: Nothing, I don't really like organic food.

Fed: But it's Super Protein! It's nourishing!  It's... It's 16 grams of soy and rice protein... IT'S DELICIOUS!

Greg: Precisely the reason... Only if I were extremely constipated would I do anything for that bar.

Rebecca Israel CC '05

Fed: What would you do for an Odwalla bar?

Rebecca: Oh, I'd do anything for an Odwalla bar.

Fed: Really? How about something more specific.

Rebecca: Um... this is tough. Um... I would... wear those sneakers.

Fed: You'd wear my sneakers?

Rebecca: Yeah. [Puts on one sneaker.] Are they kosher?

Fed: Yeah.

Rebecca: Do I have to wear both your sneakers?

Fed:  You said you'd wear them both! If you don't, you don't get an Odwalla bar!

Rebecca: Alright. [Puts on other sneaker.] There.

Fed: Enjoy your Odwalla bar!

Ryan Stahl CC '04

Fed:  What would you do for an Odwalla bar?

Ryan: Uh... I dunno, pay a buck fifty probably?

Fed:  Really! You'd give me a buck fifty for this Odwalla bar?

Ryan: Maybe, that's what they would charge me at the store. Probably.

Fed: Actually, they're two dollars in there, so it's a steal!

Ryan: Yeah, I mean, I'm not really jonesin' for an Ozzwalla bar right now.  But, if I wanted one --

Fed:  But don't they just sound delicious? "Odwalla bar." They're healthy...

Ryan:  Yeah...

Fed:  All food that's healthy is delicious, right!?

Ryan:  Kinda... Some of it's good, some of it's alright.

Fed:  So if you were "jonesin'" right now, you'd give me a dollar fifty.  

Ryan:  Yeah.

Fed:  Awesome.

Giovanni Raffini GSAS 3rd Year (a Roman history TA)

Fed:  What would you do for an Odwalla bar?

Gio: Nothing.

Fed:  It's all natural.  I mean, the ancients ate all natural.  Wouldn't you like to be like the ancients?

Gio:  I would let you give me one for free.  

Fed:  ...but would you eat it?

Gio: Sure

Fed:  Okay! Will you eat it right here in front of us?

Gio: Sure. Is this some kind of complicated marketing scam?

Fed:   Nah... they're just disgusting.

Gio:  [Laughs] Do I have to eat the whole thing?

Fed:  Yes.

Gio: Alright. [Chewing] Makes an anguished face. Dude, I don't have enough saliva to finish this.  This is really mean. [Finishes bar]. Wow, alright then.

Fed:  Thank you very much!

Gio: Um... my pleasure...

Peter the Socialist, CC '02 and Gideon Shapiro, CC '04

Fed: What would you do for an Odwalla bar?

Peter: Uh... pay $2 like I normally do?

Fed: But in the tradition of "What would you do for a Klondike bar"... what would you do for an Odwalla bar?

Peter: [His Socialist sensibilities clearly offended.] Pay $2.

Fed: Will you give me $2 for this Odwalla bar?

Peter: I'm not that hungry right now.

Fed: But they're delicious! You should want one all the time!  How about you, what would you do for an Odwalla bar?

Gideon: I'm just not that witty, y'know?

Peter: How 'bout this?  I'd burn a couple hundred copies of your dumb newspaper.

Fed: Alright! Now we're getting somewhere.  You'll burn a couple hundred copies of the Fed. I'll go get the papers, and here's your Odwalla bar.

Peter: No thanks.

Fed: But it's an Odwalla bar, it's delicious, of course you want it.  How about you?  Do you want it?

Gideon: Yeah, sure. Thanks.