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In This Issue

• Columbia Dry Humps for Gaia
• Springtime, Nipples Everywhere
• Lerner Daycare Creates Funny Smell
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Meta-Clubs on Rampage
• Lion's Cock Viable Alternative to Human's
• God to Spend Summer in Boca
• Odwalla Bars Make Us Do Dirty, Dirty Things
• Naked and Loving It
• Has It Been Eight Years Already?
• Shades for a Bright Summer
• Emeritus: Greek for "Fat and Old"
• Horoscopes-A-Plenty
• A Salute to Business-Casual Racism
• THEY Watch
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• The Staff of 17.9
• Take Back the Night - Gone Wild!

I'm a techie now! And I never wear pants.

As classes once again draw to a close, many students find themselves hunting for summer jobs with all the desperation of a lonely electrical engineer in his underwear scouring the alt.sex.fetish.bizarre.kindacreepy.dandruffandbodyodor newsgroup for personal ads. But, before you rush to whore out your precious youth to some frosty, fluorescent-lit internship in exchange for bar money and resume fodder, think twice. Ask yourself: how badly do I really want to identify with the movie Office Space?

A common source of summer income and ass-soreness for many students is the temping industry. Temping can be a great way to develop and refine many skills with highly practical real-world applications, such as telephone answering, coffee preparation and delivery, minesweeping speed and accuracy, solitaire acumen, genitalia photocopying, sexual harassment repulsion, and the related field of doomed, lukewarm office relationships.

But let's say an office job isn't really for you. You're looking for something more exciting, more thrilling. No, you don't want to be one of those poor saps, cooped up in the world of office politics and bosses, counting the seconds until five when you can go home to your microwaved Lean Cuisine and Must-See TV. You'd rather be spying on them, breaking into their offices and stealing their important documents and ass-Xeroxes. In that case, you may want to start looking for an exciting summer internship at a counter-espionage company, where instead f working with a bunch of petty, boring, pathetic wage-slaves you'll have the opportunity to work with an enclave of paranoid, xenophobic, gun-toting borderline psychopaths (Guess who writes better letters of recommendation?). Plus, you can use your newfound skills to live out your middle school dream of planting a hidden camera in the girls' locker room.

For those who may be musically inclined (if not talented), the position of roadie might have some appeal. Sure, the pay sucks, but maybe you'll finally get some of the sex and drugs that the Fox 5 Problem Solvers are always warning your parents follow rock ‘n rollers like stink on a hippie. A few points to remember when choosing who to roadie for: Girls may love boy bands, but judges hate statutory rapists; most rockers over 40 will be more depressing than fun; your connection with an a cappella "band" will not get you laid; and it's not always easy to tell whether any given Ani DiFranco fan is straight or gay.

"These are all well and good," some of you say, "but I'm not really looking for a job that's gonna make me work hard and stuff." Fair enough. Fortunately, if you act quickly you may be able to snag a job as a lifeguard. It's not a bad life, spending your summer recoiling from the shrieks of ADHD-afflicted preadolescents and watching the awkward mating rituals of middle and high schoolers from your high perch, moving only twice an hour to signal the onsets of adult and general swim. Remember, though, you do have people's lives in your hands. It would look pretty bad if, while you were toking up in the showers, that obese woman who comes to the pool to get a sense of weightlessness were to lose her kickboard and sink to the bottom of the deep end, taking several young children with her in a vain attempt to claw her way back up to the surface.

Hopefully by now you will have realized that there are plenty of highly desirable alternatives to that boring internship at Goldman-Sachs, Capitol Hill, Microsoft, or Daddy's Firm. From cutting up corpses at the medical examiner's to having sex for money (as part of a safe sex study) to having sex with corpses (as part of a safe necrophilia study), the sky really is the limit for an enterprising and persistent student.