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In This Issue

• Columbia Dry Humps for Gaia
• Springtime, Nipples Everywhere
• Lerner Daycare Creates Funny Smell
• Letters to the Editor(s)
• Meta-Clubs on Rampage
• Lion's Cock Viable Alternative to Human's
• God to Spend Summer in Boca
• Odwalla Bars Make Us Do Dirty, Dirty Things
• Naked and Loving It
• Has It Been Eight Years Already?
• Shades for a Bright Summer
• Emeritus: Greek for "Fat and Old"
• Horoscopes-A-Plenty
• A Salute to Business-Casual Racism
• THEY Watch
• Wacky Fun Whitey
• The Staff of 17.9
• Take Back the Night - Gone Wild!

Last Friday, April 19, at approximately six p.m., a fire alarm went off in the Barnard Quad. Hundreds of nubile young women were sent running into a torrential downpour in the name of fire safety. The rainstorm, which outlasted the fire drill, drenched many freshmen and sophomores who had previously been enjoying their dinner in Hewitt hall.

Recalled first-year Jenny McGee, a tall, thin blonde in athletic pants and an Old Navy T-shirt, "Oh my god! We were so soaked! I felt like I was naked, it was so cold standing outside in the rain." Nearby, the boyfriend of another first-year, who requested that his name be withheld, stood safely watching the melee from inside the security booth where he had hidden him-self. "Dude, half of them were wearing white and the other half no bras," he recounted incredulously. "There were so many nipples, I didn't even know where to start. That must be what it feels like to be a baby."

After their initial frustration with the situation had passed, many students felt excited to be outside during such tumultuous weather. Sophomore Brenna Bailey, a big-breasted lacrosse player from West Virginia, drawled, "I didn't know they had nature here. The rain is like, so, real." After giving her statement, Bailey began to bounce up and down gleefully.

It took about ten minutes for word of the situation to spread across the street to the ears of horny freshman males. Small groups of frat pledges began to gather in mildly inconspicuous places, claiming to be taking a much-needed cigarette break or just "chilling", as a student who identified himself only as a resident of Carman phraded it.

Added a friend of his, "You know, sometimes I just like to kick back with a smoke and enjoy the weather and the chicks with see-through shirts... I mean, the company of my fellow students."

A few couples felt romantically inspired by the rain. Danielle Connelly, BC '03, said, "You know rain is just a really romantic thing, like in all those movies I watched when I was a little girl. So I just grabbed Ceci and we started kissing. Uh, I gotta go." The girls disappeared into the bushes shortly thereafter.

The electricity in the air was tangible, and it wasn't just the lightening. Despite the fact that this reporter was strictly on assignment, she couldn't resist the urge to approach a few students for non-journalistic purposes. I casually mentioned the movie Wild Things to a few tantalizing ladies I wanted to get to know better, and subsequently had some experiences that I was afraid I would miss out on during college. (I really can't get into them here, but try www.collegesluts.com to check it out. You'll need a credit card. And then a towel.)

After the fire alarm was turned off and the building deemed safe, many women streamed home to dry off. Though tempted to do some more interviewing in the shower, I couldn't find anyone that would sign my cameraman into the building. So I sent him home and went off to the bushes to do a follow-up with Danielle and Ceci.