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In This Issue

• Me So Lonely
• Premature Ejaculation: a Way of Life
• We Get Letters
• Fringes on the Jacket of Humanity
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Points of Interest on Campus
• A Whine-free Welcome
• Columbia Eateries of a Bygone Era, Revived 4 U
• Facebook Travesty Claims Your Social Life
• 30 Things To Do Before You Graduate
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Quick and Dirty Guide to Campus Bars
• Some Loser Has To Do It - Might As Well Be You
• Attack of the Killer Blowjob
• A Guide for Beginner's to Smoking Cigarettes
• There Is Life After College
• From Yesteryear's Freshmen

These next four years (five, if you're really lucky) promise many opportunities for drunken debauchery. But, despite popular misconception, you may not have to spend your first year whoring for cab fare to a bar downtown. Don't worry. Many that have come before you and those that will come on you have stumbled home with a beer-goggle-begotten beauty, to do the nasty on the sheets bought by your mom. These really are the best years of your life. So get yourself a fake ID and make a go of it around Morningside Heights. Eventually, you will realize that the only redeeming quality of the neighborhood bar scene is proximity, but for now-you are young and pure and have already read this far.

The West End

The West End is a veritable den of freshmen ignominy. However, hope that the bouncer's on an up day. He can get pretty testy. I've heard that throwing a raw steak or two will fend him off long enough to get through the door. For those of you who are not as brave, "The Stender" doesn't card before eleven, so you early birds will get worms. Eww.

The Heights

The Heights is probably the toughest on ID's, but they do serve a mean strawberry daiquiri. If you are claustrophobic, then this is not the bar for you as they manage to squeeze about a hundred people into a 200 square-foot space on a given Saturday night (that's two square feet per person for you SEAS kids out there). Watch your step on the way out. The stairs are a bitch when you've had a daiquiri or seven.

1020

Ahh, 1020. This decent bar rewards those who venture from the womb of Broadway to the cruel world of Amsterdam. There are movies on the wall...and pretty hipsters. You can show off useless knowledge gleaned from Intro to Film and other such classes available for the small price of an Ivy League education

Cannon's

Cannon's is generally frequented by varsity athletes, but they're usually in bed by 10 on weekdays. Those are the nights I would recommend. Also noteworthy are the local drunks who will scowl at your youthful exuberance from behind their pint glasses. Such fun.

Nacho Mama's

And then there is Nacho Mama's-Unassuming poor excuse for a Mexican restaurant by day, dimly lit poor excuse for a watering hole at night. Attractive bartenders. Monday night karaoke. Not much below the surface. Except, of course, for the coke den complete with pornographic holograms in the basement. Ask for Benny.