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In This Issue

• Me So Lonely
• Premature Ejaculation: a Way of Life
• We Get Letters
• Fringes on the Jacket of Humanity
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Points of Interest on Campus
• A Whine-free Welcome
• Columbia Eateries of a Bygone Era, Revived 4 U
• Facebook Travesty Claims Your Social Life
• 30 Things To Do Before You Graduate
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Quick and Dirty Guide to Campus Bars
• Some Loser Has To Do It - Might As Well Be You
• Attack of the Killer Blowjob
• A Guide for Beginner's to Smoking Cigarettes
• There Is Life After College
• From Yesteryear's Freshmen

So, Barnard Wymyn, you've arrived at your new all-female home in the big city, played a little with the co-ed establishment across the street, and come to a horrible realization. Every freshman boy you've met so far, wide-eyed with the awe of meeting such a mythical creature as yourself, has greeted you with the question, "You're a Barnard girl? Dude! Can I have a blow job? I hear you're great at it!"

Get used to it, kids. I'm going into my third year here at Barnard and I have yet to see any sort of decrease in the proposals for soulless copulation from the Columbia boys, or in the stony glares from the Columbia hos who seem to think that I offer some sort of competition. Competition? Are you kidding? You can keep your athletic meatheads and pimply SEAS students. I don't want 'em.

But I'm beginning to get a little angry with Columbia. The bad rep, dumb jokes, and stupid assumptions have gone on for too long. I think it's time that WE pissed THEM off. A little disgraceful, aggressive behavior here, maybe some bad public art there, and presto! We'll have successfully alienated all co-ed students.

I think it's odd that the fountains on Low Plaza so proudly proclaim, in a painfully phallic way, Columbia's masculine-dominated past. Barnard needs some of that action. Now, we COULD make giant stone vaginas to decorate the entrance to Barnard Hall, or even make the doors themselves giant stone vaginas. It's possible to convert the Barnard dorms and class buildings into decorated subterranean caves, but it seems sort of tasteless and pornographic to do that. Instead, let's threaten Columbia with the same dreadfully phallic sculptures, only with a slight addition: teeth marks.

Or we could take it one step further. The next time a white baseall hat-wearing Columbia boy obnoxiously asks for a blowjob, go ahead and do it. But make it the toothiest damn blow he's ever had. Hopefully, this will eventually erase our bad rep as easy blows or quick fucks.

Don't think I'm a stereotypical Barnard man-hater. In fact, I really, really like men, and I don't really mind giving blow jobs at all. The difference comes in the way you ask for it, boys. A little respect can get you a long way, is all I'm saying.

Other things that might take a few steps away from the "Barnard to bed" ditty that Columbia loves so much, are pretty simple.There's always the option of going all lesbian, (just for while you're in school, if that's not a lifestyle you want to take up permanently). Admit it, it wouldn't be that bad-most of us are pretty good looking, decent people, and better in bed than the hormonal guys at CU. Besides, the prices of massive flannel shirts couldn't be better at this time of year. Stock up now and save.

Through it all, though, I think that it's wrong to hate Columbia as an institution for the quality of men that it enrolls. After taking classes with them, socializing with them, dating them, and working in the dreaded Lerner Hall with them, I'm just a little bitter. Just a smidge.