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In This Issue

• Me So Lonely
• Premature Ejaculation: a Way of Life
• We Get Letters
• Fringes on the Jacket of Humanity
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Points of Interest on Campus
• A Whine-free Welcome
• Columbia Eateries of a Bygone Era, Revived 4 U
• Facebook Travesty Claims Your Social Life
• 30 Things To Do Before You Graduate
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Quick and Dirty Guide to Campus Bars
• Some Loser Has To Do It - Might As Well Be You
• Attack of the Killer Blowjob
• A Guide for Beginner's to Smoking Cigarettes
• There Is Life After College
• From Yesteryear's Freshmen

Mama Joy's

Once a "universally adored" campus hot spot, Mama Joy's was essentially a deli/grocery very similar to its replacement, Milano Market, but somehow "infinitely better." As this place went out of business when the current seniors were first years, few people here actually knows anything about it. This will come in handy when you slip up and refer to Mama Joy's as a nightclub/burlesque house front. For all any of us know, these things were actually in the back room.

What Bar

This former bar was situated in place of the current Mo's Cantina and, in contrast to Mo's Cantina, did not have the "saloon-style" doors at the front, or the "western-themed paper globes" that are covering the former hanging lights of What Bar. That, and the name, are the only actual changes. References include "Hey, those paper globes are just covering the lamps from What Bar," "Hey, this place sucks almost as much as What bar," or the ever-so-suave "slip up" when you accidentally refer to Mo's as "What Bar."

Nacho Mama's/the Heights

A mere two years ago, The Heights was called "Nacho Mama's" and had vastly different chairs, but then it closed for 6 months and reopened with the current "hip" seating and the current "elderly jackass" owner. "The Heights" refers to Morningside Heights, not the two sets of stairs that you will fall down after drinking your eighth margarita.

Mike's Papaya

According to legend, it was some sort of Shangri-La-on-earth, a paradise where one could obtain two hot dogs for a dollar or even a recession special including a nutritious fruit drink. After 4 AM one could relish in "breakfast sandwiches" and "a continuous stream of homeless people begging for food." Unfortunately, Columbia destroyed this late-night hangout to make room for an "elementary school", so the only place you can stop for not-so-fresh meat at all hours will be Ally McBeal rerun night in Sulzburger Parlor.