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In This Issue

• Me So Lonely
• Premature Ejaculation: a Way of Life
• We Get Letters
• Fringes on the Jacket of Humanity
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Points of Interest on Campus
• A Whine-free Welcome
• Columbia Eateries of a Bygone Era, Revived 4 U
• Facebook Travesty Claims Your Social Life
• 30 Things To Do Before You Graduate
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Quick and Dirty Guide to Campus Bars
• Some Loser Has To Do It - Might As Well Be You
• Attack of the Killer Blowjob
• A Guide for Beginner's to Smoking Cigarettes
• There Is Life After College
• From Yesteryear's Freshmen

It's always tough to guess what the reading public expects from a follow-up, especially in a medium as new and untested as the freshman facebook. That said, in the case of last year's science fiction smash, Columbia Facebook 2001, it's safe to say that we were all expecting a little bit more from Columbia Facebook 2002: The Reckoning. Despite the best intentions of its creators, CUF2K2TR is practically unreadable-- the work is a victim of the franchise's own success.

Many members of the Columbia community will recall the delightful kitsch that packed Facebook 2K1 with non-stop twists and surprises. This time last year I recall gleefully warning my readers that "YOU CAN GET CUT JUST TURNING THE PAGES," and assuring them that "FOR AUTUMN THRILLS...THIS IS IT!!!!!!" Sadly, there is no such cause for joy in the Facebook series' most recent installment.

From practically the start of the work, Facebook 2K2 bogs itself down with scores of one-dimensional characters. The squandered potential for character development glares mockingly from each mini-pictorial, a constant reminder of the producers' lowest-common-denominator approach of cramming as many softly lit, digitally enhanced pictures on the page as possible. What happened to the human touch, to emotion, to story? Are the pretty faces and special effects all that matter anymore?

Perhaps the most tragic victim of such sloppy production is the lead-off woman, Adrian Abramowitz from Bernardsville, New Jersey. Her portrait is truly a product of the best minds in high school senior photography. The soft lighting that surrounds her face indicates a self-aware, yet modest angelicism; she retains her innocence while acknowledging the challenges of the rigorous undergraduate curriculum that will face her. The reader almost feels that he has become Ms. Abramowitz's friend by just seeing her picture, and that perhaps she would like to receive an unsolicited phone call from her admirer at 3:00 AM.

Just as soon as we begin to get excited about Ms. Abramowitz, however, we are confronted with the horrific, smirking visage of the student regrettably depicted in the portrait that immediately follows. Here is a young man who has somehow been convinced that he would look good in a peachfuzz mustache and abortive soul patch. Further, his photograph is clearly the product of a coin-operated photo booth-- a device good only for saving the rest of us the awkwardness of noticing those too friendless to have their pictures taken by others. We as readers are disgusted: we must set Facebook 2K2 down and shake our heads in melancholy frustration. If only Ms. Abramowitz's picture could have been followed by that of a freshman who is even hotter. And so on and so on it would go. But no! The juxtaposition of Ms. Abramowitz and the following unfortunate picture confirms Facebook 2K2 as a true journeyman's effort, devoid of any artist's eye for complementation and balance.

Fortunately, a well-placed celebrity cameo breaks the heartbreakingly alphabetical randomness of this year's portrait "order." It would be spoiling the fun to name names, but suffice to say that this star(let) ABSOLUTELY SIZZLES...(S)HE PRACTICALLY BURNS UP THE PAGE!!! And now that I have produced another line suitable for quoting on hardcover edition book jackets, I can draw this article to a close and go on another Dramamine bender.

[Editor's note: This article is an excerpt from the Introduction to American Studies course packet. Those interested in researching four years of critical theory containing the same punch and integrity as the above piece should fill out a major declaration form on the roof of Pupin without delay.]