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In This Issue

• Me So Lonely
• Premature Ejaculation: a Way of Life
• We Get Letters
• Fringes on the Jacket of Humanity
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Points of Interest on Campus
• A Whine-free Welcome
• Columbia Eateries of a Bygone Era, Revived 4 U
• Facebook Travesty Claims Your Social Life
• 30 Things To Do Before You Graduate
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Quick and Dirty Guide to Campus Bars
• Some Loser Has To Do It - Might As Well Be You
• Attack of the Killer Blowjob
• A Guide for Beginner's to Smoking Cigarettes
• There Is Life After College
• From Yesteryear's Freshmen

College is, among other things, a chance to start fresh. A clean slate, an occasion to find and reinvent yourself, an opportunity to become the person you want to be. For many students, this translates to the wholesale (if temporary) acceptance of a prepackaged identity, be it indie rock snob, hippie-stoner, socialist, socialite, queen WASP, Hasidic Jew, bible banger, headbanger, JAP, militant homosexual, militant future housewife, street thug, effete intellectual, dumb jock, computer geek, or frat boy. But maybe you don't feel like you fit into any of those categories (double check, you probably do), or maybe you resent being pigeonholed by some smarmy newspaper. Maybe you resent everything that's ever happened to you. Maybe you belong in the specialest category of all: maybe you're cut out to be a loner.

Oh, it's not really such a bad life. A bit solitary, perhaps, but liberation from the small-minded opinions of your peers leaves you free to explore fascinating worlds of paranoid fantasy and develop your natural arrogance into a towering superiority complex capable of existing more or less peacefully alongside your crippling insecurities. Sure, it can be hard at times, but nobody ever said it was easy being better in every way than the morons who even as you read this are waiting for the perfect moment to tell the unwashed masses about your compulsive obsession with anatomically correct action figures through the disgusting, corrupt medium of national prime time network television. A little loneliness is really a small price to pay to have your eyes opened to the worthlessness of your surroundings.

Even Buddhist monks have a hard time giving up their desire for the opposite sex, though, and sooner or later you'll probably want to trade bitter, joyless masturbation for a bitter, joyless, short-lived, unhealthy, self-destructive relationship.

(This is as good a place as any to ask that you please not have sex with pre-frosh, no matter how tempting it may seem. It has been shown that doing so tends to discourage prospective students from attending Columbia, and we'd like to keep our rankings up.) Here you have three main options: a relationship where you are treated like shit, a relationship where you treat your lover like shit, or a relationship of needy co-dependency. Although the second option may seem like your best bet, it is worth noting that, if you go into it with the right attitude, being spit on by someone you care about deeply can be much more rewarding than oral sex from someone you loath. Also, you'll have a much easier time identifying with the lyrics of pop songs. The last option will be covered in excruciating detail in a forthcoming article, "Why You Should Get Married Straight Out of College," so there's no need to go into it now.

One of the major problems resulting from not wasting your life with so-called "friends" is that you have to find some other way to kill time. While listening to obscure, gloomy, industrial art-rock bands from Germany, watching obscure, gloomy, post-apocalyptic art films from the 1930's, and staring at the patterns in the off-white soundproofing tiles in the ceiling of your obsessively meticulous room are all productive uses of your time, there is one thing that you can do to enhance all of these activities. I'm talking, of course, about drugs. Although classics like amphetamines and opiates are of course wonderful choices, don't forget you have other terrific options such as PCP (elephant stimulant), ketamine (cat tranquilizer), xanax (human tranquilizer), and DXM (cough suppressant). Marijuana can also be a useful tool for sharpening your paranoia, although you'll probably want to stay away from ecstasy, LSD, psylocybin mushrooms (although peyote is ok), and cocaine. You don't want people thinking you're a hippie or a yuppie. Selling drugs is also a fairly good source of alternative income and a very good way to meet people who wouldn't otherwise hang out with you.

You should be proud of the progress you've made, but remember that you're only at the beginning. It won't be easy, but if you stay strong and keep the faith for all four years, you've got a good chance at remaining a sullen loner for life. As you continue to separate yourself from the weak, pathetic wastes of flesh so lacking in intelligence it's remarkable they even remember to defecate, hopefully you'll find the words you've read here valuable. Good luck, and godspeed.