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In This Issue

• Me So Lonely
• Premature Ejaculation: a Way of Life
• We Get Letters
• Fringes on the Jacket of Humanity
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Points of Interest on Campus
• A Whine-free Welcome
• Columbia Eateries of a Bygone Era, Revived 4 U
• Facebook Travesty Claims Your Social Life
• 30 Things To Do Before You Graduate
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Quick and Dirty Guide to Campus Bars
• Some Loser Has To Do It - Might As Well Be You
• Attack of the Killer Blowjob
• A Guide for Beginner's to Smoking Cigarettes
• There Is Life After College
• From Yesteryear's Freshmen

Here you are, in college, in the big city, a world of cultural opportunities at your fingertips, and what are you thinking about? Sex?! Fuck yeah, sex!! I'm thinking about sex right now! Fuck! I'm getting all hot and bothered thinking about it!

So, my young friends, how do we make these dreams a reality? Three easy steps. First comes preparation; second, the hunt; and third, the kill (i.e. cum all over someone's face).

First, preparation. Clean your room, it's already a shithole. Get condoms (from your RA's door) and lube (from Alice, 7th floor Lerner West). If you live in John Jay and you want to fuck anyone on your floor, do it RIGHT NOW. (You can finish the article later. Move!) JJ becomes very familial, and you'll be happier if you fuck her before you've seen her going door to door at 3 AM on a Tuesday night begging for speed so she can finish her chem lab.

Now for those of you who opted to have a roommate. You stumblefucks, you're already lost. Where the fuck are you going to fuck? Your lack of foresight has left you with the following options: 1. Fuck in somebody else's room. 2. Fuck in the shower 3. Fuck in public, for example in the Lerner Suicide Lounge or the Butler Stacks (you can get paid for this). 4. Fuck when your roommate's there. He'll probably act annoyed, but be jerking off. Of course, some accessories and a flat surface won't be enough. You'll also need to look and smell presentable enough to trick someone into thinking you're someone with whom empty, meaningless sex is worth having. Wash everything, shave, or at least trim (guys too). Shampoo and condition. Put on something that's slutty in a classy way. If you're fat then lose some weight, fatty.

Now kids, it seems that you're ready for the hunt. How do you find a suitable mate? Well, it depends mostly on who you are. Let's start with the boys, because we're better.

Gay Boys

If you can't tell who's what, your gaydar is broken. The only way to fix it is cocksucking. As for the hunt: Step 1. Make eye contact. 2. Initiate small talk. 3. Invite back to your place 4. Fuck like monkeys. You can skip steps. Keep in mind that although gay guys are stereotyped as nice and cute, most of them (like most people) are ugly, stupid beasts.

Breeders

You're at 1020 and you have some cute filly in your crosshairs. How do you seal the deal? The answer is: buy her a(nother) drink. She'll be charmed that you bought it for her, her judgment will be impaired, you will look more attractive to her, she'll become more affectionate and develop an mounting desire to take off all of her clothes. Repeat until you get her into bed or she passes out (either way you win).

Girls (yawn)

What's a straight girl to do? All the cute nice guys are gay, and all the straight guys are complete pricks. Here's my advice. Swallow your pride and buy a vibrator, (it's great when you're stoned, or so I hear), adopt a lonely, ugly SEAS student who will be reliable but embarrassingly clingly. Or you can find a lecherous law student who can't find someone his own age; he'll buy you dinner.

Last, and kind of least, come the lesbians. Oh lesbians. Obviously, you're going to be spending some time at Barnard. Careful, though. You can very easily find yourself with a GIRLFRIEND in a SERIOUS REALATIONSHIP if you aren't extremely careful. Try to be emotionally distant and keep the interaction purely physical, and beware the dreaded morning after live-in.

Misc. Handy Hints for You-Know-What

So now you're making out on your bed, ready to score. You're welcome. Now some safe sex tips: You can't feel anything with a condom, so if you're a girl, get on the pill. And everyone should get tested, regardless. Use condoms if you don't trust the other person. More tips:

• Handjobs: if you're bored and need to get a guy off, then stick a finger up his ass. Stealthfully, so he doesn't think he's gay for enjoying it. Unless he is gay.
• The G spot is 1 to 2 inches in and up.
• Blowjobs: Watch the teeth and remember the balls.
• Anal sex: About six and a half inches in you will discover your prostate (unless you're female, of course), which is rad and chockful o' nerves. You can even make it hum. And use more lube, for heaven's sake. Have a heart.
• Girls like to be held, guys like to fuck and for you to get the fuck out of their bed. Try to find some sort of compromise.

Oh, one more thing. What if you call yourself bi? Well, if you're a bi guy, then you're gay. If you're a bi girl, then you're going to get married to a man shortly after college and raise a whole squad of kids.