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In This Issue

• Me So Lonely
• Premature Ejaculation: a Way of Life
• We Get Letters
• Fringes on the Jacket of Humanity
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Points of Interest on Campus
• A Whine-free Welcome
• Columbia Eateries of a Bygone Era, Revived 4 U
• Facebook Travesty Claims Your Social Life
• 30 Things To Do Before You Graduate
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Quick and Dirty Guide to Campus Bars
• Some Loser Has To Do It - Might As Well Be You
• Attack of the Killer Blowjob
• A Guide for Beginner's to Smoking Cigarettes
• There Is Life After College
• From Yesteryear's Freshmen

Unlike 'Saved By The Bell: The College Years,' college is not completely filled with cool, attractive people. Lord knows we can't all be A.C. Slater. You'll find a lot of quite unattractive people surrounding you. People who won't be on a billboard any time soon, unless it's for some public service announcement about being fat or ugly. Many of these ugly people will also share a common bond in that they are of the rarest and most elusive breed of Columbia students. They are the engineers. Perhaps you are saying to yourself, 'But I'm an engineer, and I'm not ugly! In fact, I dare say that I am the epitome of human beauty.' Stop kidding yourself, fatty. You're ugly.

As it stands, many engineers are acutely aware of their unattractiveness. It may be strange to find an entire pride of them firing up their Marlboro Ultra Light 100's outside Butler while they laugh and carry on, jockeying for alpha male status, but the fact is that they have been completely distracted. They are lighthearted because they have latched on to the one thing that can make them forget the hideous visage that returns their gaze in the mirror: classes. This is the life that you, poor engineer, will lead for the next 4 years of your life. Here's a nasty little preview of things to come, with a bit of advice sprinkled on top.

Chemistry

Professor Fine is not a coherent man. While he speaks of chemistry in his lecture, you will find that his exams contain material that is quite different. Make sure you study up on the number of piano tuners in New York City, circa 1950, for example. Don't complain about the textbook, either, because he wrote the damn thing.

Physics

You either get it or you don't. Manipulating those funky symbols is just in some people's blood, and usually they're pretty scary people. Remember, most engineering classes are on a curve, so your salvation will lie in the stupidity of your classmates. Encourage activities that will lower your friends' test scores. Use phrases like 'Just one more shot, you can do it,' 'Why don't you join the rugby team?' and 'The midterm isn't tomorrow, why don't you skip class?'

Computer Science

The only sure-fire way to do well in this course is to find a lonely pale computer geek and pretend to be their friend. Take him out to dinner at least once, or go see a movie with him. Make sexual advances towards him, even if your bread isn't buttered on that side. If he reciprocates, a little experimentation never hurt anybody, and if he doesn't, he'll at least be flattered. I use the gender-specific 'he' because most she-geeks will be aggressively pursued by he-geeks in their odd, nerdy mating rituals, and thus less desperate. Which reminds me, if you ever see a bunch of scrawny pale boys surrounding a girl and conducting a conversation with words primarily composed of acronyms, stand back! You don't want any of that funky geek testosterone on you. It'll never wash out.

Gateway

Hours will be spent meticulously moving your mouse to create that ultra-cool 3D doohickey for your final project, but some sort of hideous computer error will inevitably destroy your work. If you throw a tantrum and cry enough, a TA will usually come around and re-do it for you, just to make you shut up.

Calculus

This class is the engineering equivalent of the foreign language requirement, because like Intermediate Spanish II, you will be taught a subject you don't really care about by someone you can't understand.

Logic & Rhetoric

What's this? A liberal arts class? Each hellish week of this mind numbing torture will force more and more ludicrous writing assignments down your throat. And for God's sake, don't try to turn in your assignments to our little newspaper, for they will be categorically rejected. Take some solace in knowing that you will write more papers in this one class than you will for the next 3 years at Columbia.

Hints & Tips

When bored in class, play games like "Guess That Person's Gender." It's harder than you think! Remember, breasts don't make a female and facial hair don't make a male (you are in an engineering school, after all).

When All Else Fails

If you're not doing so hot in your classes, keep in mind that your final grade will rarely reflect your actual performance in the class. Oftentimes, you will find yourself going into the final with an A, and come out with a C- in the class, regardless of how you may have done on the exam. How does this happen? Nobody knows, but I guarantee that at least one class every term will be like that.

Of course, as a very last resort, if none of this advice helped you, if you really are failing all of your classes with an F-, if you can't handle the Industrial Engineering course load, or you have been lobotomized or suffered severe brain damage, you could always switch into the College.