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In This Issue

• Me So Lonely
• Premature Ejaculation: a Way of Life
• We Get Letters
• Fringes on the Jacket of Humanity
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Points of Interest on Campus
• A Whine-free Welcome
• Columbia Eateries of a Bygone Era, Revived 4 U
• Facebook Travesty Claims Your Social Life
• 30 Things To Do Before You Graduate
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Quick and Dirty Guide to Campus Bars
• Some Loser Has To Do It - Might As Well Be You
• Attack of the Killer Blowjob
• A Guide for Beginner's to Smoking Cigarettes
• There Is Life After College
• From Yesteryear's Freshmen

Some of the deviants who organized your orientation week would have you believe in their version of the "Columbia experience." This cheesy little impostor was responsible for that bland O-week shindig that the marching band throws on South Lawn. The point is to make you feel like part of a large, easy-going family, unified in its desire to knock off work, Bar-B-Q in Central Park, and listen to free music. Well, there is such a thing as a Columbia experience, but it's far more insidious than that. If you really want to act like a 21st Century Columbian, consider doing as many of the following as possible, at least once:

1. Wake up inexplicably naked.

2. Hook up with someone you met at the West End. Cop a plea for statutory.

3. Call CAVA because you stubbed your toe, have a headache, or just need to talk.

4. Partially complete a transfer application; give up at the sight of essays.

5. Tell strangers you go to NYU.

6. Misspell "Columbia."

7. Take a leave of absence for psychological reasons.

8. Have sex with ADP (all of them, at once).

9. Commit suicide.

10. Be gay, but only for a week.

11. Claim to really dig jazz.

12. Hit up Psychological Services for Aderol.

13. Fake being a minority.

14. Face crippling sexual dysfunction.

15. Conquer said difficulties by fucking your TA.

16. Pick up your mail.

17. Write an angry letter to the Spec.

18. Care.

19. Use the words "diaspora" and "milieu" in the same sentence.

20. Stalk.

21. Get stalked.

22. Pretend you actually read Finnegans Wake.

23. Make witty references to Vergil over cocktails at 1020.

24. Cry alone.

25. Complain about how expensive Columbia is even though you yourself don't

even have to shell out for pot.

26. Resist being sucked into the corporate machine.

27. Get sucked into the corporate machine.

28. Give in to a life of apathy.

29. Get food poisoning at ____________ (choose a campus eatery).

30. Admit that you will never get a job.