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In This Issue

• Me So Lonely
• Premature Ejaculation: a Way of Life
• We Get Letters
• Fringes on the Jacket of Humanity
• The Fed Guide to What's What: Points of Interest on Campus
• A Whine-free Welcome
• Columbia Eateries of a Bygone Era, Revived 4 U
• Facebook Travesty Claims Your Social Life
• 30 Things To Do Before You Graduate
• Tips for Keeping Your Room Tidy and Your Roommate Pissed Off
• Quick and Dirty Guide to Campus Bars
• Some Loser Has To Do It - Might As Well Be You
• Attack of the Killer Blowjob
• A Guide for Beginner's to Smoking Cigarettes
• There Is Life After College
• From Yesteryear's Freshmen

First of all, let me say congratulations. You are the most selective class in the history of Columbia University. You are very special. Your parents still love you. The streets in America are paved with gold. Both Santa Claus and the female orgasm exist. Next to high school, college is the best time of your life. With a degree from Columbia, you will be able to do anything you want. Many of our graduates can fly. And Barnard is a respected and established instution of higher learning.

Now allow me to illuminate a few key details about Columbia life that will help you distinguish yourself from the other whiny brats that comprise CC and SEAS. First of all, they tell you that you're special because your class is the most competitive in Columbia history. Well, the only reason your class is more selective than any other is because New York City is no longer the crime-ridden garbage heap it was twelve years ago.

Back then, the admissions department had try and bride students into attending with grants, honorary degrees and cotton candy. Columbia got so desperate in the 80s that it even licensed its likeness to television and film. And while certainly we are all proud to be attending the school that kicked out the Ghostbusters, I'm sure no one is bragging that Carol Seaver (Tracy Gold's character on "Growing Pains") is an alumnus.

But now that NYC is back on top, the admissions department can say no at will, and, being sadists, they enjoy it. So, everyone's happy. This trend of improvement in NYC has led to one thing: an overabundance of tourists. We are just more tourists, only we stay for four years instead of four days. Let's just say that, as soon as classes start, few do much traveling. They call it Columbia University in the City of New York so that we won't forget where we are.

Soon, most will fall in for one of the few remaining vintage Columbia pastimes: bitching about the school. This has been a proud tradition here longer than URH has been selling people on that "guaranteed housing" line.

We complain so much here that we have developed it into a fine art. Here are a few topics that all should avoid, lest one be branded a sub-par pisser and moaner. First of all, we all know this school is expensive. They all are. Bitching about it is not going to change anything except the impression people have of you. Complaining that you're not getting enough (whether it be housing, food, or activities planned for you so you don't have to think) for how much money you give Columbia is particularly annoying since, except in extreme cases, your parents, a few foundations, and the government are most likely shelling out the cash for you to stay here.

Columbia buys the food for John Jay from the same wholesaler who supplies to other colleges, prisons, and military facilities. We know you were expecting Wolfgang Puck to come to your Carman double every night and prepare whatever you desire, but this is not the case. Yes, the food here sucks. Here's a secret: this is true anywhere they have to buy food in bulk. Therefore, bad food cannot be considered your own personal cross to bear. And if you say one word about how there's nowhere cool to go at night, then you might as well just give up now and strap on the Depends.

One aspect of Columbia that few students ever come to terms with is the beauracracy, which infects every facet of the university. Here's the funny part, though. You can search the world over, and you will never find an institution of the same size that runs efficiently and with minimal paperwork or red tape. The fact that Columbia takes this to such an absurd extreme is just proof of our overarching motivation of doing everything with aplomb. Or maybe we're all secretly being prepared for jobs with the government. Who's to say?

And lastly, I implore you: never - NEVER - tell anyone that you live in Harlem. Guess what. You don't. Columbia is in Morningside Heights, which runs parallel to the southern-most section of Harlem, but is not, in fact Harlem. Those who set foot in Harlem will most likely do it to fulfill a death wish or to placate a sense of white guilt. No, Morningside Heights is not Harlem. It is, actually, just an extension of the Upper West Side, with prices set to match the swankier sections of London. Everyone who lives here is wealthy. Believe it or not, your presence increases their property values. Congratulations.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that you are a Columbia student, as are we all. Most of us were nerds in high school, and we still are nerds. Here, though, it's okay. So don't fret. And don't front. At least, don't do it too much.