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In This Issue

• Forever Remember, or Else
• 8 Bits of Subliminal NES Perversion
• Letters to the Editor
• $$$ for Golden Showers
• Caliente Cab: Giving Your Stomach the Bad Touch
• My Date with the Fed: So Hot it Set 620 on Fire
• The Absolute Worst of First-Year Quotations
• Get Your Smack At the SmackTastic Supa-Store
• Sleep with Your Professors
• Tired of the Same Old Masturbation Techniques?
• Hentai: Your Mother Is Crying up in Heaven
• Beefcake! Beefcaaaake!
• NSOP Uber Alles

We all know the real reason you came to school in New York City-- the shopping! You're all ready to hit the stores, but you realize you have two problems: 1) All of the cool stores are downtown or on the East Side. (How the hell do you get to the East Side? The 1 and 9 lines don't even go there! And you're afraid to venture south of 110th Street anyway.) 2) You're a poor college student.

But never fear. We have a great place to shop right here in our very own Lerner Hall--The Columbia Bookstore. And our little branch of Barnes and Noble doesn't only have books. Oh no, it has so much more. Just put some money on your Flex account (billed to your parents, of course), and you're ready to shop! But what to buy?

If you're shopping for a friend or lover, you'll want something nice to put your purchase in. What could be more perfect than a Columbia University gift bag? It's only $3.98, and though there are other gift bags with nice glossy paper (as opposed to the Columbia bag's somewhat tattered regular paper) for $1.95, the "gold" lettering and school emblem lend the bag that extra bit of class that makes it more than worth the extra $2.03. Your special someone will be thrilled--that is, if the bag doesn't rip first.

The year 2003 is on its way, and you're going to need a nice calendar to put on your wall. But which one? I couldn't decide between the FDNY Firefighters: 2003 Calendar of Heroes and the Columbia University in the City of New York calendar. The FDNY calendar has thirteen seductive pictures of buff, sweaty firemen standing shirtless (I guess because those fires are so hot!) in their fireman pants, in front of different scenes of New York. Oh, I could just butter up their buns and have myself a hero sandwich! Still, how could these hotties compete with twelve sexy shots of the Columbia campus? With many voluptuous pictures of Low, a revealing view of the 'Taint Gate', and an image of the impressively erect IAB, this calendar lets you see all your favorite campus spots without even having to look out your window.

I also noticed some flags for sale. United States flags, in this patriotic time, cost $29.98. Even more exciting, though, is the Columbia University flag for $49.98. (As you can see, the bookstore doesn't try to trick you into thinking you're paying less by ending all their prices in 99 cents like those other stores do.) While it's important to be patriotic, our love of Alma Mater makes the school flag easily worth the extra $20. Right by the flags are various adorable Columbia stuffed animals, each labeled with a tag reading, "IT'S ALL GREEK TO ME." How cute!

Speaking of stuffed animals, the bookstore has a great baby section. Get the little ones started on school spirit early by buying them a tiny CU cheerleader's outfit. Or how about a romper that reads "Columbia: Future Alumni"? Never mind that "alumni" is plural. Our little future alumnus is too stupid to notice. There's even a precious blue and white creeper with baby lions playing on it and the words "Everybody loves me at Columbia!" Now isn't that true? The tykes will be ready to fill out college applications in no time.

Near by, pick something for yourself from the great selection of Old Virginia Candle Company candles and incense. They're great to burn in your room illegally, along with the contraband hot pot and useless cordless phone that you'll also want to pick up before you leave. In the practical supplies department, grab some URH-prohibited blue sticky tack. You'll also be needing some notebooks, and you wouldn't want to be seen with anything less than a gold-lettered Columbia University spiral one. Sure, a one-subject CU notebook costs $3.18 or $3.38, and the generic ones are sold for 89 cents, but you've got to have quality, right? You might even want to splurge on the tres chic Clairefontaine designer notebooks, only $4.76.

Now, if you want your desk to be fashionable-- which, of course, you do--then you'll just have to shell out $13.98 for the colored plastic Post-It dispenser and the Page-Up paper holder. What's that? It's a little round hunk of plastic with a slit in it. You can, uh, you know, stick things in the slit. Like paper! And it's only $5.96!

Before you go, don't forget to stop at the games section. There are ball-point pens with little games attached to them. My favorite is the Twister pen, which comes with a fold-out mini-mat about the size of a Post-It note. Instead of your hands and feet you have to put game pieces on the dots, but what fun! Why not get a game going during your next Lit Hum class?

So I've maxxed out my Flex account, and my room is crammed with exciting new purchases. I can't wait to go back next week!