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In This Issue

• Forever Remember, or Else
• 8 Bits of Subliminal NES Perversion
• Letters to the Editor
• $$$ for Golden Showers
• Caliente Cab: Giving Your Stomach the Bad Touch
• My Date with the Fed: So Hot it Set 620 on Fire
• The Absolute Worst of First-Year Quotations
• Get Your Smack At the SmackTastic Supa-Store
• Sleep with Your Professors
• Tired of the Same Old Masturbation Techniques?
• Hentai: Your Mother Is Crying up in Heaven
• Beefcake! Beefcaaaake!
• NSOP Uber Alles

Mexican food. The life's blood of many college students. A marriage of spice, heat, and refried legumes like no other. Truly, it transcends the traditional culinary boundaries and crosses the barrier into the sphere of high art.

You may or may not have noticed that a new pseudo-Mexican joint called Caliente Cab opened recently in the Wien Food Court. Caliente Cab qualifies for distinction as a Mexican restaurant in much the same way that Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo qualifies as a film. Technically, the gobs of feces-like beans swathed in stale cardboard that the establishment serves can be considered burritos. Yes, dropping a few chunks of dead bird into a frail shell is enough to constitute a chicken taco. The similarities between Caliente Cab and Mexican food end pretty much there.

But what do students think? Henry, an economics major from Los Angeles, said he not only finds the food abysmal, but he added that he believes the décor of the new tacqueria is deplorable.

Henry refers to the mural adorning the stand: it depicts three hungry, sombrero-sporting Mexicans chomping down on tacos and guzzling soda while a taxicab zooms by and a huge taco rises above mountains in the background. According to Henry, not only do tacos not rise above mountains in Mexico, the locals don't even wear sombreros.

"It's pretty damn hokey, the guys with the sombreros. One guys is chomping down on the food," he observed. "There's a taxi there, and I don't know what it's there for."

One peculiar item on the menu is "Mexi-beef." This reporter posed the question of just what this substance could be to a group of women dining in the general vicinity of the Cab.

Joya, a Junior computer science major from Connecticut, said she wasn't sure what "Mexi-beef" meant, but did mention that she had a most unsuccessful romantic evening at Caliente Cab.

"I came here with this guy and he was mad because he didn't have any beef in his burrito," she said.

Friend and fellow Junior Debbie, an English major and Manhattan townie, rose to Joya's defense. Debbie said while Joya doesn't make a habit of taking guys to Caliente Cab, she finds it a great place to meet them. Be on the lookout, dudes.

"Picks up guys is more like it," Debbie said. "Multiple partners? What?"

Debbie proposed a theory fon the "Mexi-beef" quandary. Apparently Caliente Cab is becoming quite the hotspot for romantic activity. She said since the taco-slingers on staff are infamous for providing little meat in the dishes, it's up to the ladies to supply the "Mexi-beef" at the end of the night.

"You have to satisfy his appetite in other ways," Debbie surmised.

Okay, so the food sucks. But at least the service is good, right? Hell no, amigo.

Debbie relayed a sad tale of food-service woe in Wien Food Court involving her friend Diane, a Political Science major from one of the Kansas Cities (probably the shitty one).

"Diane got into a fight with a cashier today like nobody's business," Debbie lamented. "She sneakily put some cheese from the salad bar on top of her wrap. She starts arguing with the cashier who said, ‘You can't do that, you can't rob the salad bar.'"

The end result?

"In the end I got charged," Diane sobbed.

Heartbreaking.

In getting to the meat (Mexi-meat, as it were) of a story, this reporter likes to go straight to the source. So, an interview with Muhammad Shaheen, manager of Wien Food Court, was necessary.

Shaheen says student reaction to Caliente Cab has been "actually pretty good" (read: fucking miserable). He claims the Cab has a more "expanded" (read: more kinds of shitty stuff) menu than Taco Bell, and includes "combos" (read: crosspollinations of varying types of shitty stuff) that a hungry student can order if he or she desires a "really big meal" (read: a whole lot of shitty stuff).

Shaheen claims there are several Caliente Cab locations, including one in Shea Stadium. Much like the Mets, it probably blows.