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In This Issue

• Forever Remember, or Else
• 8 Bits of Subliminal NES Perversion
• Letters to the Editor
• $$$ for Golden Showers
• Caliente Cab: Giving Your Stomach the Bad Touch
• My Date with the Fed: So Hot it Set 620 on Fire
• The Absolute Worst of First-Year Quotations
• Get Your Smack At the SmackTastic Supa-Store
• Sleep with Your Professors
• Tired of the Same Old Masturbation Techniques?
• Hentai: Your Mother Is Crying up in Heaven
• Beefcake! Beefcaaaake!
• NSOP Uber Alles

During Orientation, the campus smelled funny. The air reeked. What was that smell, you ask? It was freshmen. Freshmen everywhere, half of them terrified beyond belief and half of them quivering with veritable Ivy League arrogance. That smell was something that I came to know as terrogance. Want to relive Orientation? Great! That's why the Fed's bringing you actual quotes from the wacky and hilarious Class of 2006.

· "Are we just going to turn into men?"- Barnard Freshmen contemplating the repercussions of attending an all girls school

· in the elevator: "how do I get to the basement?" I told her she should take the stairs down one flight but she turned away from the stairway because it said ‘fire door'."

· Drunk WASP to African-American student "So dude, have you ever, like, DONE Africa?"

· For the third time in one day after a week of being here: "Shit my fucking roommate locked me out again!"

· " where is the dining hall...the basement? where is the basement?"

· " So I joined all the clubs which had hot Columbia boys at their booths...they were all gay, but that's ok!"

· "Does John Jay have a safety deposit box for students to keep valuable belongings such as watches, passport and plane ticket?" (Orientation website)

· "You know, ALL the indie rockers drink Vanilla Coke."

· "I think it takes 20 minutes to get from here to Manhattan, right?"

· "Can you tell me how to get back to Barnard?"

· (to some hot upperclassmen girls) "Why, heh-looooo. You ladies... first-years?" (wink) They reply negatively and he pauses to try again, "So. How do you ladies... feeeel about first-years?"

· coming home from a club, dressed to the nines, a group of freshmen get off the Two Train at 116th street and Lennox at 3 a.m., and approach a group of large and threatening looking black women laughing on the corner. "Um, where's Columbia?" The women laugh long and hard: "oh, honey, you ain't in Kansas no more!"

· the professor of a Barnard art class announces that the class will be going on a walking tour of Lower Manhattan in November. A first-year raises her hand and asks, "I don't own a coat. Do I still have to go?" When the entire class starts laughing, she continues, "What? I'm from South Florida--we don't use coats there!"