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In This Issue

• Forever Remember, or Else
• 8 Bits of Subliminal NES Perversion
• Letters to the Editor
• $$$ for Golden Showers
• Caliente Cab: Giving Your Stomach the Bad Touch
• My Date with the Fed: So Hot it Set 620 on Fire
• The Absolute Worst of First-Year Quotations
• Get Your Smack At the SmackTastic Supa-Store
• Sleep with Your Professors
• Tired of the Same Old Masturbation Techniques?
• Hentai: Your Mother Is Crying up in Heaven
• Beefcake! Beefcaaaake!
• NSOP Uber Alles

In the original version of his "I Have a Dream" speech, Martin Luther King voiced a hope that his children would be judged not by the color of their skin, but rather by the quality of their porn collections. From this standpoint alone, it is very possible that Japan is the most dangerous and unstable country in the world. Witness the following: From the same nation that brought you bukkake, I now proudly present a genre of violent schoolgirl rape fantasy video games called Hentai.

The premise of Hentai games is fairly simple: you, a dissolute blue-haired male, spend every waking moment of your life trying to pick up women with a stunning combination of shitty pickup lines and brute force. This issue's installation of the Hentai Review covers Runaway City, from the company responsible for Paradise Heights and Princess Maker 2.

The Background: Runaway City is pretty much like every other Hentai game, with one notable exception: you are filled with crippling depression because-keep in mind that subtlety is not part of the Hentai art form-you botched a suicide pact with your parents. Dad "botched it" too, leaving Mom the only one with a clear conscience. On a fairly regular basis, Dad reminds you of how much you suck, and also that your mom is "crying up in heaven." OK, you're a disappointment. Mom is righteously pissed. What to do? If you follow Hentai Logic, you get out of the house and bang some abnormally large-breasted chicks.

The Action: You wander around town all day, doing exciting, pornographic things like "buying cool pants" at a department store and pondering over whether or not you should get a coffee refill at your favorite cafe. (The game never shows you the pants. Scoundrels!) This meandering would be boring enough even without the ponderous introspection to which the game constantly subjects you. You will learn in detail, for example, that you played in a particular park as a child, ate delicious rice balls for lunch, and hated the sight of dead leaves. Then, as Hentai Logic goes, you find yourself weighted with thoughts of rape.

The Constant Raping: I don't know if I was more disturbed by the rape sound effects created for this game or by the Escher-esque artistic maneuvers done to avoid showing any cartoon genitalia. At least, that's what happens when the designers don't forget to block that business out. The first girl that you manhandle is shown bent over backwards against a background of pure black. It was not unlike seeing someone getting raped by the entire universe. That was rough, but even worse was the sound effect that the designers chose to illustrate penetration. I can't help but wonder what that discussion was like:

Psychotic Game Designer 1:

Hey, what does sex sound like?

Psychotic Game Designer 2:

What!?! Don't you know?

Psychotic Game Designer 1:

We don't have time to kid around.

Psychotic Game Designer 2:

OK, How about "NNNNNGGG?"

Psychotic Game Designer 1:

Maybe it's more like "YAAAAA."

Psychotic Game Producer 2:

No. Sex sounds like "*GYOO*." Use "*GYOO*."

And so it came to be that, when your character penetrates a woman, you not only hear a man yelling "GYOO," but you also see "*GYOO*" appear in a text box. The rapee's response is also odd: She says, "Hey." In Japan, apparently, rape is about as rude as taking a bite of a stranger's sandwich. By the way, seeing a brutalized woman say "Hey!" while being penetrated was easily the game's definitive moment.

Did I mention that this game is interactive? You can determine how your character molests! Your choices are presented in three veritable laundry lists of foreplay options. For example, you might select "USE FINGERS AND..." from the first menu, "SHOKO'S ASS" from the second menu, and "REPEATEDLY" from the third menu. This column-based process was not unlike ordering Chinese food, except in this case I was rewarded by a loud "GYOO" and an indecipherable drawing that (I believe) somehow depicted sex.

In the end, though, I couldn't finish this game. The plot just got too weird when the character saves a little kid by raping her older sister. That occurred shortly after my character saves his father's romantic life by--you guessed it--having extremely rough cartoon sex with his step mom. So yeah, the game beat me. Three hours of playing it was enough. Feel free to look for this game on Kazaa or Morpheus or whatever file-sharing program is working this month. But don't do this on a Columbia ethernet-based computer, because it's illegal, and the entire staff of ACIS will punish you by rape.