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In This Issue

• Jem and the Holograms Suck Major Holo-Ass
• Students Get Involved, Eat Pizza
• Kids Aren't Worth It
• Can You Tell Me How To Get, How to Get to HIV
• Corporation Brightens Otherwise Bleak Childhood
• B'nai Mitzvot of Yore
• Cap'n Planet Saves World, Gouges You
• Bad Street Brawler Jerks Off Crime Off the Streets
• Science Proves America's Youth Turning Japanese
• On the Glorious Afterschool Special
• Chicken Soup for the Athletically Inept Soul
• A Researched Dildography
• Rider Strong Gets Stalked, Interviewed, Married
• Furry is the Way to Be

Ben Schwartz

Remember Captain Planet? Of course you do. That big blue guy with the strange greenish square-cut mullet epitomized all the most wonderful things about an early nineties childhood: non-violent so-called "action" cartoons, neon colored freaks (yeah, your older sister counts), and having everything you saw, heard, or did permeated with hidden and not-so-hidden sermons about teamwork, cultural diversity, and environmental awareness.

You probably thought he was gone. But no. Like Vanilla Ice, he's back with his brand new invention . . . or just the same old one. It turns out that Captain Planet has been hard at work throughout the last decade with the Captain Planet Foundation, which, according to its website, www.captainplanetfdn.org, gives grants to projects that involve kids in environmental protection and awareness programs (an example is the "Pine and Bush" project in Rochester, NY, which costs $500 and receives no additional description). And as the Foundation's website informs us, The New Adventures of Captain Planet and the Planeteers is back, "by popular demand", at 5:30 a.m. weekdays on Cartoon Network. The site goes on to state that, when the show began to air in 1990, it "immediately rose to the top of the rating charts, where it remains today." So there you go, kids. Far from being washed up, Captain Planet has become the first show ever to top the Nielsen charts from the 5:30 a.m. time slot.

Which all sounds great. However, browsing through the Foundation's website, I was struck by a hideous realization: Captain Planet has sold out! The site is full of photos of the Captain posing real chummy-like with Ted Turner, undoubtedly the real life model for the notoriously flamboyant Looten Plunder (the Elton John suits are purely fictitious). The Captain's energy-efficient model home is sponsored by Marvin Windows. But worst of all is the Captain Planet online store.

The opening page of the store's site has a special guarantee that all Captain Planet merchandise is made with the most eco-friendly methods possible, and that no child labor is used. The South American kid with the heart ring probably lost his job for this policy. Now his family is going to starve; thanks a lot, Ted. This short-sighted child labor policy is also going to cut into sales, since one of the toy industry's key market segments is old men who get off touching the toys and thinking about them being handled by young boys wearing loin cloths in Third World countries.

The store stocks Captain Planet action figures, apparel, and those "do-it-yourself-discovery" science kits that your relatives used to buy you to ensure that you got into one of the "good" Ivy schools (it didn't work). And, as if the content of the first page alone wasn't just screaming "financial suicide," the products have markups more typical of a cocaine deal then an online retailer. Hmmm . . . maybe Ted is providing the South American kid with some work after all. That would clear up at least some of the mystery surrounding a corporate tycoon doling out $500 a pop for poor kids to grow their own "vegetable" gardens.

Of particular interest is a category of common household items made to be especially eco-friendly. There's the Planeteer Pencil, which is--I'm not making this up--"hand whittled from real twigs." Presumably, these are genetically modified Frankentwigs that are born with graphite running through their centers for easier hand whittling into crooked-looking pencils. Oh, the wonders of nature! And they're only $2.95 each! Similarly, the Captain Planet Chocolate Bar is made from 100% organic chocolate, which is easily distinguished from its non-carbon based counterparts by its price of $3.25 for one standard-size bar.

So there it is, from the big blue guy who taught you indispensable childhood eco-tips such as "Always dispose of hazardous waste safely": there are some things on this planet that you need to save; your money isn't one of them.