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In This Issue

• Jem and the Holograms Suck Major Holo-Ass
• Students Get Involved, Eat Pizza
• Kids Aren't Worth It
• Can You Tell Me How To Get, How to Get to HIV
• Corporation Brightens Otherwise Bleak Childhood
• B'nai Mitzvot of Yore
• Cap'n Planet Saves World, Gouges You
• Bad Street Brawler Jerks Off Crime Off the Streets
• Science Proves America's Youth Turning Japanese
• On the Glorious Afterschool Special
• Chicken Soup for the Athletically Inept Soul
• A Researched Dildography
• Rider Strong Gets Stalked, Interviewed, Married
• Furry is the Way to Be

The joy of the dildo was first discovered by those crazy nuts from the Middle East. Why do I call them crazy? It's got nothing to do with suicide bombings. I call them crazy because the dildos they used were pieces of shit. No, really, they were made out of dried camel dung. But these pieces of shit were covered in resin, so everything was OK in the world again. Now I don't know how popular these items were, but it doesn't seem like shoving a hardened turd inside you can be too pleasurable. It was most likely on account of its unpleasant odor that this sex toy was first hidden from the public.

It is also known that dildos were used in ancient Greece. There they were called "olisbos" and were often made from stone, leather, or wood. This, along with the constant homosexual pederasty, conclusively proves that the Greeks were kinky. How else would you describe a culture willing to risk anal and vaginal splinters just to get stuck by a stick? After a glorious heyday in the Roman Empire, nothing was heard of the dildo throughout the Middle Ages. If the historical record is to be believed (and I'm not saying it is), between the fall of Rome and the Renaissance, the only things people had to put where they didn't belong were their fingers. Finally, people returned to the Classics, which apparently included sex toys. It seems the Italians found these items so enjoyable they were given the name "diletto", which means "delight." Fitting term, no?

Surprisingly, Dildos did exist in the sexually repressed Victorian Era, thinly disguised as women's health treatments. What were these women treated for? Well, it was called "hysteria" and its symptoms were excessive vaginal fluids, irritability, and fantasies. Back in the day, doctors would use dildos, (now made out of rubber), to massage the woman's genitals until she reached "paroxysm", or, as it is known today, orgasm.

This disguise of dildos and vibrators went on into the 1920s. They were being marketed as "devices for anxiety and female tension." Hell, even Sears & Roebuck sold them, saying they were "devices every woman would love." But, this utopia of open, if disguised, sex toys being sold by every mom & pop store in America could not last. It was soon discovered by the powers that be that these women were not hysterical, just horny and frustrated. Salud!