• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Jem and the Holograms Suck Major Holo-Ass
• Students Get Involved, Eat Pizza
• Kids Aren't Worth It
• Can You Tell Me How To Get, How to Get to HIV
• Corporation Brightens Otherwise Bleak Childhood
• B'nai Mitzvot of Yore
• Cap'n Planet Saves World, Gouges You
• Bad Street Brawler Jerks Off Crime Off the Streets
• Science Proves America's Youth Turning Japanese
• On the Glorious Afterschool Special
• Chicken Soup for the Athletically Inept Soul
• A Researched Dildography
• Rider Strong Gets Stalked, Interviewed, Married
• Furry is the Way to Be

Brought to you by the letters "H", "I", and "V", a new character stricken with the AIDS virus has been introduced into the South African version of Sesame Street. It's no joke. The five-year-old Muppet, Kami, was born HIV positive in order to show children the normality of AIDS in a country where almost one in nine citizens is infected with the virus, according to recent news coverage. But a sneak peak at the episode in which Kami (whose name comes from a Tswana tribal word for "acceptance") premieres shows that the whole thing isn't quite as pure as it appears. After all, can a TV show that gave us arguably the first gay plush relationship really be totally innocent?

The episode begins harmlessly enough. Kami, a wide-eyed, naïve young Muppet, adorned with yellow fur, a pooka-shell necklace and a 60s-esque vest, enters the neighborhood. With only the knowledge that five years ago, a drunken, AIDS-infected Muppet knocked up her prostitute mother, she sets out on a journey to find her father. An encounter with an overly friendly Cookie Monster (dizzy from years of selling his blood to support his predilection for the round chocolate chip stuff) shakes Kami. Yet our heroine persists. Bravely, she introduces herself to a group of interested Muppets, and reveals her intentions. Although Kami's youth only adds to her desirability- why do you think there are so many pre-school age kids running around Sesame Street?- the little matter of the HIV causes those Muppets who have eyebrows to raise them.

Finding herself ostracized, Kami breaks into tears, begging for any information about her father's identity. In an editing move that rivals both Friends and Days of Our Lives for its cliffhanger potential, the show quickly cuts to one of those trippy cartoon montages with numbers floating around in a nonsensical, quasi-hallucinatory haze. Apparently, it's never too early to introduce the kids to the concept of badly written season finales.

Her jaundiced-colored fur makes the question of which unlucky Muppet fathered Kami so painfully obvious. And despite the shortage of heterosexual yellow Muppets sleeping around, and the condoms that have begun to clutter the area around a certain nest, the best answer Kami gets is a suggestive "I'll show you who your daddy is," from Elmo.

After a quick word from our sponsors, the numbers 6 and 9, and a public service announcement by Grover (as part of his community service requirement due to his involvement in the Count's money laundering scam), Kami is no closer to her goal. On his way to an OCD support group, Telly cautions her to get off "The Street" while she's still young. Yet having vowed to stay until she gets some answers, she refuses to leave. Kami then wanders the neighborhood aimlessly for several minutes, as Oscar the Grouch and a chorus of sewer-dwelling CHUDs sing a pre-K-appropriate version of "Gangsta's Paradise" in the background.

As its begins to get late, Kami is accosted by Snuffy, who offers her a place to spend the night, continuing the tradition he established with her father years ago. Either the news of an AIDS-infected Muppet arriving on the block hasn't reached him, or he's too hard up to care-- a typical day full of drinking and popping Xanax, combined with a shortage of child extras have left Snuffy randy and ready. Kami is reluctant to accept his invitation, but the furry brown deformed elephant assures her that he is only a figment of her imagination. Our Kami has no chance of leaving "The Street" untainted.

After a mind-expanding night of groping, Kami harbors no more illusions about the neighborhood where sunny days sweep the clouds away. Yet in a heartwarming turn of events, it is through her violation that she gains acceptance. Upon realizing that Snuffy has felt up the HIV positive Muppet with no ill effects (besides the pre-existing ones), the others flock to Kami eagerly. "Just because you have AIDS doesn't mean we can't feel you up!" they cry, joining hands and inviting Kami into a furry, horny circle. Delirious from joy-- or perhaps from a sleepless night of pill-popping with Snuffy-- Kami allows herself to be enveloped by her new group of friends. The stigma of HIV is erased, and the question of her paternity is forgotten-- or at least postponed until midseason.

And once again, we think of the children. HIV infected South African youth can rest assured that their sex lives are not dead. There are still years full of fondling to come. As always, the Children's Television Workshop has done its job.