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In This Issue

• Jem and the Holograms Suck Major Holo-Ass
• Students Get Involved, Eat Pizza
• Kids Aren't Worth It
• Can You Tell Me How To Get, How to Get to HIV
• Corporation Brightens Otherwise Bleak Childhood
• B'nai Mitzvot of Yore
• Cap'n Planet Saves World, Gouges You
• Bad Street Brawler Jerks Off Crime Off the Streets
• Science Proves America's Youth Turning Japanese
• On the Glorious Afterschool Special
• Chicken Soup for the Athletically Inept Soul
• A Researched Dildography
• Rider Strong Gets Stalked, Interviewed, Married
• Furry is the Way to Be

As someone who has spent the better part of his years on this planet as nothing more than a lying, conniving, evil little devil-child, I think I'm in a position to offer a few words of advice on the subject of the proper upbringing of children. Before we start off, let's go over a few ground rules. First of all, no matter what you do, your children will hate you. Not only will they hate you, they'll probably stay up at night thinking of ways to kill you in your sleep. This is why you should padlock the door to your room and install a laser-tripeed, military issue, anti-terrorist system in the hallway.

The very second children are out of sight, they start to masturbate like little bonobo chimpanzees. This is best dealt with by telling totally unfounded lies (i.e. "Your penis will fall off if you don't stop touching it."), or threats (i.e. "I will cut your penis off if you don't stop touching it."). Another easy trick to deter acts of Onanism is to keep your child's hands coated with a healthy layer of cayenne pepper. It should make for a, shall we say, "spicy" session. Also, remember that baby monitors aren't just for babies anymore. Better yet, install a camera-based monitoring system and monitor your adolescent's behavior from a secret security basement.

Hey, here's a fun idea: on your child's birthday, celebrate by hitting him with a stick. This is to commemorate the mother's birth pains of that oh-so-joyous day. You call it child abuse. I call it family bonding. Other than that, most holidays were devised by the media to promote promiscuous sexual behavior between preteens and should not be celebrated in your wholesome home.

And then there's babyproofing. When toddlers reach under cabinets and drink Drano, it's not because they're too little to understand the consequences of their actions. Quite the contrary; they're trying to get high. Children will snort, huff, ingest, or insert rectally anything they find lying around the house. The only solution is to remove items from your home.

The outside world is a whole other story. Satan lurks in the loins of every stranger that your child will encounter on the street. It's probably best not to tell your child about the outside world until he or she is at least eleven or twelve. Break the news carefully. When your child gets older, it may want to have "friends." Friends are just other children, equally bad as your own, who will try and convince your child to poison the drinking water and elect Republicans into office. You should also carefully monitor anything that comes into the house. Start out early, so you can control their minds before they learn how to think for themselves. Once the child hits about twelve years of age, absolutely any sensory input whatsoever is titillating, so you may find it necessary to keep your child locked in a sensory deprivation chamber for most of this awkward period in their lives. They'll thank you when they're older.