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In This Issue

• Jem and the Holograms Suck Major Holo-Ass
• Students Get Involved, Eat Pizza
• Kids Aren't Worth It
• Can You Tell Me How To Get, How to Get to HIV
• Corporation Brightens Otherwise Bleak Childhood
• B'nai Mitzvot of Yore
• Cap'n Planet Saves World, Gouges You
• Bad Street Brawler Jerks Off Crime Off the Streets
• Science Proves America's Youth Turning Japanese
• On the Glorious Afterschool Special
• Chicken Soup for the Athletically Inept Soul
• A Researched Dildography
• Rider Strong Gets Stalked, Interviewed, Married
• Furry is the Way to Be

Remember when television did more than train children to be ruthless killbots? Remember when it taught us how to love? That's right, television showed me what it means to be a woman. No longer were boys just boys; they were now *booooys*!!! After-school television brought me my first and only love, Shawn Hunter of the ABC sitcom Boy Meets World. From 1993 until 2000, Boy Meets World helped young girls across the country come to terms with their newfound passions. All through middle school, Shawn's devil-may-care attitude and rakish good looks were more than I could bear. And then as middle school became high school, he was still there for me. We were true high school sweethearts. After I graduated, I knew that Shawn Hunter would be mine forever. Or Rider Strong, the actor who played him, would be mine forever. Whatever.

Determined to be close to my one and only, even if only geographically, I decided to come here to CU, where my love is a student. Now we could be college sweethearts, too! What a nice story to tell the kids! But after spending a solid month here without hearing from him, I began to worry. Maybe he's afraid of my youthful love. Doesn't he know that I'm not the child I used to be? I've changed, grown, become ready for a real relationship. And now I have boobies! I tried e-mailing him, but until the nerds figure out how to send breasts over the Internet (and believe me, they're working on it), our love would never be. Finally, I decided that the only way to discover his true feelings was to ask him to his face.

The Fed: So why haven't you called?

Rider Strong: I didn't have your number. The TV screen's only one way.

Fed: I'm in the directory.

RS: I didn't know your name! All those nights in your living room, and I don't even know your name.

Fed: That's just like a guy. How typical. But what do you think it was that first brought us together?

RS: I guess Burger King and Coke were our sponsors the first year. They put us on the air, so I guess that brought us together.

Fed: Now, I know you and Shawn are different people. But you have a lot in common with your character. For instance, you look a lot alike. How do you know where he stops and you begin?

RS: I've cut my hair differently. And I don't shave that much anymore because I'm lazy. I always had to shave on the show.

Fed: So is that what defines Rider Strong? A haircut and stubble?

RS: Pretty much. That's about it.

Fed: Do you worry that maybe your love for me isn't real, and you were just so into your role that you feel what Shawn feels?

RS: Sometimes. It keeps me up at night.

Fed: If we were to watch Boy Meets World together, and I got a little dreamy-eyed over Shawn, would you get jealous?

RS: Yes, I think I would get jealous. He's cooler than me. He's much more hip, he's got cooler hair, he's clean shaven. He gets all the girls. I feel a little inferior.

Fed: You've done a couple of movies recently. Are these also designed to trick innocent young girls into falling in love with characters that doesn't exist?

RS: No, actually, Cabin Fever (Lion's Gate Films, coming out next year) is pretty twisted, so I don't think my character's very likable. I'm covered in blood for the last 15 minutes of the movie. I think I'm pretty unattractive.

Fed: So it might cause not-so-innocent young girls to fall in love with you?

RS: Right. Lots of goth chicks, probably.

Fed: Right. So would you say that Boy Meets World was a magical voyage of sexual discovery for you, like it was for me?

RS: ... No. Because they never had sex. Maybe when they got married, but that's not really sexual discovery. If Corey and Topanga had ever had sex, yes, or if Corey and Shawn had gotten together, that would have been a story of sexual discovery.

Fed: Has anything you've done been a magical voyage of sexual discovery?

RS: Acting-wise or in my own life?

Fed: Whatever you feel comfortable with.

RS: I'll stick with the acting. But no.

Fed: Could you just say "magical voyage of sexual discovery?"

RS: Magical voyage of sexual discovery.

Fed: Okay, thank you. Your family's really involved in a lot of work you do. Would it be weird if you had to do a sex scene?

RS: No, they'd be laughing their asses off. Actually, when I was doing Cabin Fever, I had to do a sex scene and my mom was within eyeline while I was doing it.

Fed: Did you like that?

RS: No! It definitely was a little uncomfortable.

Fed: Do you still want all of your friends to go watch the movie?

RS: I don't know. Luckily, I've seen the movie, so I know that it's pretty tasteful.

Fed: It's nice that we're so happy together, but do you maybe have some friends to set my friends up with? They're tragically lonely:

RS: No, no single friends at the moment.

At the end of the interview, I realized that while Rider and I may seem like the perfect couple on the surface, there's just too much history between us. Our relationship would never be able to grow. But at least this interview gave me a reason to skip Psych. Oh, and enabled me to put the past behind me and move on with my life and all that. It's time to love real people, who live in three dimensions. And maybe someday even talk to one! After all, I'm not twelve anymore. I've got the rack to prove it.