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In This Issue
- Attacking Evil At Its Root
- Starbucks Gets New Badass Logo
- My Drunken Attempt to Thwart War
- Letters to the Editor
- Sexy Underwear Failed to Solve My Problems
- Democrats and Witchcraft, Proper Bedfellows
- AIM is the Tool of the Devil
- AIM is the Tool of the Pedophile
- Columbia Card Helped Me Sin With the Pros
- Is There Enough Satan In Your Life?
- God's Own Country: Florida
- Predictions for 2003, Withheld No More
- At Last: God Comix for Muslims 'n' Bikers
- My Very First Gun Show Sans Hangover
- Celebrities Bulldoze the Darndest Things
- On Finding Macho Yet Delicious Alcohol
- Angry Cell Phone Guy's Secret Identity Revealed
- The Staff
- They Watch
- Wacky, Fun! Whitey?
- A Message for this Election Cycle
- Sniperman!
Predictions for 2003, Withheld No More
Ted Holden
In the year 2003...John Ashcroft will outlaw toothbrushes with the little blue indicator on the bristles! His reason? BECAUSE HE CAN!
In the year 2003...the domestication of the household feline will continue unfettered!
In the year 2003...we will ALL overuse the word "Excelsior!"
In the year 2003...Iraq will become the second most powerful country in the world, thanks to its new leader, President George W. Bush!
In the year 2003...your mother will insist on being called "Mama-Bella," and you will capitulate! (Pussy.)
In the year 2003...you're going to go see "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Akzaban" when it comes out! Be Honest.
In the year 2003...we will all learn the true meaning of Christmas! Then, we'll forget it.
In the year 2003...General Mills will say, "screw it!" and release Lucky Charms made of 100% Marshmallow!
In the year 2003...Donald Rumsfeld will reveal his 9.5 inch schlong to a bewildered Helen Thomas, proving once and for all that he's got nothing to compensate for - he's just plain mean!
In the year 2003...the manatee will suddenly die out, as every single grade schooler in America forgets to adopt one!
In the year 2003...Oprah Winfrey will reveal to America that she is gay! America's eyes will remain un-blinked.
In the year 2003...you will all feel kind of sorry for Rosie O'Donnell! Really.
In the year 2003...North Korea will release all of the details of its nuclear program! Then Turkey. Then Thailand. Then Spain. Then Libya. Then Ireland. Then Iran. Then Uruguay. Then Colombia. Then Panama. Then Mexico. Then Alabama.
In the year 2003...Two Words: "Survivor: Duluth."
In the year 2003...the adventures of a plucky, young nine year old and her imaginary companion will inadvertently ruin everything, for everybody!
In the year 2003...you'll blow it up! You maniacs! Damn you! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!