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In This Issue

• Attacking Evil At Its Root
• Starbucks Gets New Badass Logo
• My Drunken Attempt to Thwart War
• Letters to the Editor
• Sexy Underwear Failed to Solve My Problems
• Democrats and Witchcraft, Proper Bedfellows
• AIM is the Tool of the Devil
• AIM is the Tool of the Pedophile
• Columbia Card Helped Me Sin With the Pros
• Is There Enough Satan In Your Life?
• God's Own Country: Florida
• Predictions for 2003, Withheld No More
• At Last: God Comix for Muslims 'n' Bikers
• My Very First Gun Show Sans Hangover
• Celebrities Bulldoze the Darndest Things
• On Finding Macho Yet Delicious Alcohol
• Angry Cell Phone Guy's Secret Identity Revealed
• The Staff
• They Watch
• Wacky, Fun! Whitey?
• A Message for this Election Cycle
• Sniperman!

IMmakesmefeeble: there's that ol' mama joke: Your mom's like AIM, she makes noises I ignore and I'm on her all day

:) LOL! Hahahaha. Just a little bit of AIM humor for you there. If you got the joke, and you actually know what lol means, you've been brought over to the dark side. How can AIM be evil, you may ask? Those virgin-white blue trimmed boxes don't fool me. It's the anti-Christ of communication. Those "innovative" fat cats over at AOL Time Warner have created the ultimate mode of contact for the introvert. It allows for interaction, but it cuts out the actual "talking" and "seeing people in person" part. Essentially, methadone:heroin::AIM:human beings. They go beyond just cutting out the middleman and just cut out man all together.

As a college student with an Internet connection, you most likely have AIM. College students around the nation love AIM as much as our current president loves his crack pipe. Its more than love, it's an addictive fixation that is sweeping the nation. Yes, people still talk on cell phones, but they wouldn't if they could carry AIM in their pockets, just as they do in their hearts, everywhere they go.

Thanks to AOL, we can nurture our social anxiety disorders with the peace of mind and comfort that comes from sitting alone, naked, and unwashed in front of the computer. Key word there: disorder.

And it's not like the sub culture world of AIM translates into real life. If you have an awful way with women and haven't gotten any in two years (or, for that matter, in the seventeen years before that), and then you go on AIM on call yourself YourPhallicSexGodLovesBJs69696969, you aren't all of a sudden going to become this Sex God that you claim to be. It just doesn't happen like that, we don't have the technology yet. Suppose, just suppose Satan (yes, THE Satan direct from hell) were an avid user of AIM and wanted to try to hook it up with some ladies online, he wouldn't go by a name like SatanFromHell667, he'd use something along the lines of PimpDaddy. But whether you're Satan or an asexual dork (i.e. a trekkie or engineering student), having an AIM name that screams sex doesn't change anything.

In the future, rather than having a bunch of friends over to hang out, you will just resort to the chat room. Traditional sex will be replaced by technology allowing you to procreate online, straight through your ethernet cable via the FU/FMe protocol. Awesome! That would solve the problem of conversation after sex or any of the cuddling shit. Hey, maybe AIM isn't so evil after all...

Corporate America has once again played its part in slowly destroying the youth of this fine country. Columbia is worried about us using KaZaa. Wake up! Its AIM you should be terrified of, if you care at all about the survival of actual conversation...which you most likely don't at all. It's a hopeless case...