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In This Issue

• Attacking Evil At Its Root
• Starbucks Gets New Badass Logo
• My Drunken Attempt to Thwart War
• Letters to the Editor
• Sexy Underwear Failed to Solve My Problems
• Democrats and Witchcraft, Proper Bedfellows
• AIM is the Tool of the Devil
• AIM is the Tool of the Pedophile
• Columbia Card Helped Me Sin With the Pros
• Is There Enough Satan In Your Life?
• God's Own Country: Florida
• Predictions for 2003, Withheld No More
• At Last: God Comix for Muslims 'n' Bikers
• My Very First Gun Show Sans Hangover
• Celebrities Bulldoze the Darndest Things
• On Finding Macho Yet Delicious Alcohol
• Angry Cell Phone Guy's Secret Identity Revealed
• The Staff
• They Watch
• Wacky, Fun! Whitey?
• A Message for this Election Cycle
• Sniperman!

You can say what you like about Bush, but he's the first president since Reagan with the balls to publicly take a stand on the issue of evil. He has reiterated time and again his unwillingness to tolerate wickedness both within and outside of our borders, showing that, unlike past administrations, his regime will not be "soft on badness."

While the president is to be commended for verbally coming out against wrongdoing, his actions have been less exemplary. Rather than trying to eradicate evil by engaging in hundreds of little wars around the world, the United States should take this holiest of crusades right to the source.

The United States should send a team of Navy SEALS into Hell to assassinate Satan.

For centuries, killing the Devil was no more than a crazy, beautiful dream. But now the time has come for the U.S. to flex its military muscles and show the Prince of Darkness who's the real lord of this world. For too long Hell's citizens have been allowed to suffer under the oppressive yoke of Lucifer's fascist dictatorship. For too long the Lord of Flies has openly sponsored violence, perversion, hatred, and soft rock right here on American soil. Why does the economy continue to struggle? Satan. Who helped Bin Laden blow up the Twin Towers? Satan again. Who convinced AT&T that putting Carrot Top in commercials was a good idea? You'd better believe it wasn't the Holy Spirit.

At this point you may be thinking, "Sure, I want to kill the Devil as much as the next guy, but what if this is a war we can't win?" Well, maybe not with that kind of attitude we can't. But there are several excellent reasons to believe that Underworld War I will not be another Vietnam. For one thing, we can expect to have the full support of Hell's natives, who will undoubtedly be thrilled at the prospect of free elections, U.S. foreign aid, and a government that doesn't force them to bathe in shit daily. As for the demon armies of the Inferno, well, I think our boys can take ‘em. And if the idea of war with the devil scares you now, just think what our position will be like if Satan acquires a nuclear strike capability.

The enemy has shown himself to be a pretty tough cookie, but I feel confident that the right strike force with the right tools could pull off this mission. After being airlifted into the lowest circle of Hell, a team could begin by replacing the actual tormented soul of Judas with a highly realistic LSD-soaked robot Judas (provided courtesy of the CIA's psychological warfare division). This robotic Judas could be substituted for the real Judas when Satan was briefly distracted by a sneak preview of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (courtesy of AOL-Time Warner) projected onto the cavernous walls of Hell as a diversion. When the screening ended, he would resume munching on the (robo) Judas, and embark on a trip from which he would never return.

At this point the team would lull the Author of Sin into a grooved-out state of complete mellowness by playing the soothing Celtic/New Age sounds of Enya at a medium volume and burning enough incense to make all Hades smell like blossoming crystal rain. Once the Beast has been soothed, it will be a simple matter of gently inserting a tiny tracking suppository into his rectum and shooting a guided nuclear-tipped tomahawk missile up his hairy evil ass. From here it would simply be a matter of sending in conventional ground troops to mop up the leaderless armies of the damned and letting the U.N. handle the rest.

Of course, this is only one scenario, and I'm no military strategist. I only outline this possible course of action to demonstrate just how simple a matter it would be for a superpower like the United States to conquer the pit of ultimate darkness. If you want my opinion, it's high time God's Country got serious about defeating the original Evil Empire. Then we can get to the next order of business: outfitting a NASA probe to find and annex Heaven.